Dearly Beloved..

Dearly beloved,

I know you are out there somewhere...
You have arrived safely in the place where you spent most of adolescence time,
Back in your mum's arm again,
Taking care of your family who you have left for quite some time for fulfilling your ambition,
To make them proud of you.

Dearly beloved,

I know you like it there..
You must be so happy to be back,
To enjoy all the luxury and obsession you sacrifice to accomplish your mission down under,
The most boring place on earth you said...
You want to just shoot yourself thinking about coming back, you said..

Dearly beloved,

Have you ever wondered about the one you spent your last minutes with?
The one that you said 'perfect',
The one that you ranked high in just a 'few weeks' timeframe.

Dearly beloved,

Have you ever thought about this tiny soul..
Have you ever wondered how this little eating machine is doing?
Have you ever felt the confusion of waiting for something uncertain?

Dearly beloved,

I understand what you and this tiny soul have agreed before you left..
There is no such label nor status involved..
Just having a good time..
But this tiny soul is tortured,
Know that, the day you left was a disaster.

Dearly beloved,

I know you have no choice but to come back eventually..
I want you to enjoy your time there as much as you can,
Absorb all the positive things you have and ditch all the negative things,
Refresh your mind and soul..

Dearly beloved,

She knows what's important for you..
She is not selfish,
She does believe in faith as you do..
Faith is an amazing thing words cannot explain but time..destiny..
If you both are meant to be then so be it..

Dearly beloved,

Appreciate this tiny human being...
At least, treat her as a human,
Not a machine..
Nor toy.

The memory you shared,
The laughter, the experience, the love
Food and beer?
Care..

This tiny soul is suffering to get over you..
At least, let her know what's going on,
She will back off if need to..
Again, she is not selfish..

Dearly beloved, she loves you, her tiny soul longs for you..


I.

Live Your Life to the Fullest

People always say to live your life to the fullest and always give your 100% in everything. I tend to ignore this and say that's just unbelievable. How can you give 100% in everything you do while you have too much to do in life? Until today I still thought that it means just do whatever, if it's worth it then just do your best, but to what extent?

I guess today was my turning point in life (or whatever closer to that). I thought I did a good job for my study so far even though I got lazy most of the time then panicking for the next week or so. I also think I'm quite good in keeping up with technology and all even though I'm not the expert. So, what's my 100% then? 

Yeah, it's still about relationship, love life whatsoever. This special guy came along to my life (maybe for the last couple of weeks or so). He is the most interesting person I've ever met and hung out with in the area that I am in at the moment. He loves bugging me and making fun of most things I do. He treated me like a little sister and I really enjoyed that cause I feel safe to be around him. Then we did some projects together and that's how I found out that we have the same religion and similar interests in many things. 

We then started doing stuff together (mostly eating and drinking..if you know what I mean) and there comes the Indonesian Festival that I went to (I did the video coverage for the organisation). I invited many of my friends but only he made the effort to actually attended. I booked the VIP session for him as an appreciation. I really felt that he really is a nice guy and I felt appreciated.

Then came other events that I invited him to attend. At that time, I got too much problems in life (according to my own perspective and feeling). And he just came along and accompanied me most of the time even the worst time in my life. Interestingly, he can read my mind and my feeling even though we just hung out for like 2 weeks or so. I guess he is so experienced in dealing with girls. Then yeah, everything was flowery and nice. And as expected, feelings were developed too. 

The relations with giving 100%?
Since I hung out with this guy, I felt more and more wanting to spend time with him (as people say the honeymoon stage). But not only that, he is full of surprises. Started with chilli chocolate on the desk, makeup and glasses wipe, kinder surprise, nice beers, putting on my jacket, giving his jacket to me when it was so cold, walked me home (like literally walked me home)....and all sorts of things that I've never experienced in life.

Interestingly enough, for whatever he gave me, I felt like I wanna do him a favour or just surprised him too with other stuff (I didn't feel like I owe him or something, but just naturally wanting to do something similar that will surprise him too). That time I felt like I'm giving 100% of me to him. We bought each other food, shared some beers, when he took me somewhere nice then I took him somewhere else, all sorts of interesting things that we could imagine (or more like we could do at this time).

His friends said I'm a nice person, one even said that I have my own technique of seduction or so, but I didn't feel like I have one. It's simply because I want to be nice to him, maybe to some extent impress him and because he made me feel appreciated, I wanna do something that will make him happy and at the same time will make me different to other girls that he has dated. It's a girly thing to do I guess.

Yes I like him so much. Too much to imagine for a short period of time. One time I asked him to go fishing (I don't know anything about fishing techniques and stuff). I did it cause I want to learn. Besides, I want to simply spend time with him doing something that he likes and He really appreciated that. Yeah, we walked to the beach, ate some wicked wings and drank some beers. It was so much fun!!! I never imagined fishing to be that fun to be honest. I really enjoyed every second that I spent with him anywhere. He is one awesome guy.

I never expected hanging out with someone to be this fun. I knew that he has to go back to his hometown one day as he has mentioned it earlier. The first plan was in June, but then something happened that he has to leave tomorrow. I am sad, broken. Since I knew what his problems are, I was the one encouraging him to go home as early as possible, yet I am the one hurting as well. I knew all the consequences, so I take them. I know this ain't goodbye for good, but we never know what's gonna happen. It is hard to face life, a perfect one almost, when the fun is peaked and then you are forced to drop it right there and then or like you fell off the steepest cliff. This is the hardest goodbye, if ever.

Just before the weekend, he gave me this bunch of chicken drumsticks for me to take home. As my other colleagues insisted to have a shared lunch thingy today, I had an idea to cook something. So I decided to cook the chicken. He said to me, if I could impress him with my cooking, it will be awesome as I always mention to him that I can't cook. And yeap, surprise surprise, he liked my cooking!! I'm so happy. I felt like, 'hell yeah, mission accomplished!' (pardon my swearing). I felt like I did my best to make him happy/to impress him whatever you call it.

I think this is the real giving 100% thing in life. I cooked the chicken till 12:09am in the morning. I don't know what the hell happens to me (quoting him), but I enjoyed it. And I think I've done my absolute best. I am satisfied of what I have done. And his expressions when he was very impressed by me was soon priceless! He is so cute in some ways, very manly on the others.

I didn't want to leave earlier on, knowing that it is the last day he is here. I know he is leaving really early in the morning tomorrow. I am having a dilemma whether I should come early and be even more sad seeing him go or stay in bed until the time to go to work and just live normally even though it is hurting inside. I don't know what to do cause he will be going for so long that I don't know if I will ever see him again (I know that he is coming back next year, but will I still be here?). I don't want to regret anything though, but at the same time I don't wanna show up all sad and make it hard for him to leave on the D day. It is tough.

He once said to me, 'I am sure that you believe in faith. If we are meant to be then we are meant to be. If that time comes, I will seriously date you'. He also said that he hasn't felt this kinda feeling for such a long time (I am flattered). I also once said to him, if we are meant to be then I will devote myself to him cause I know he is worth it.

He told me as much as he might not miss it here, he will miss me tremendously. It's been the most amazing 3-4 weeks life in NZ.

I don't know what's gonna happen next, but as he said, we believe in faith. No matter what happens next, I believe God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. I will be happy for whatever happens in the future. Anyway, this is one beautiful thing that has happened, the reason? let it remain a mystery.



I.

What Will You Do When You Have Too Much in Mind?

I have held myself several times not to blog about this, but hell, I cannot do this any longer. To whoever out there, please bear with me.

Yes, I've got too much stuff in mind. And yes, I am single now. Yes, it is weird being single again. No, I don't want to have any relationship yet at the moment. That's why I want to write my blog, type whatever.

So, I got separated with my ex-bf just recently. It was my choice. I chose to leave him. Yes, it's been wandering in my mind for a very long time and I finally made a decision. It was hard, it was really really hard. I personally don't want to hurt anyone as I believe in karma. But, I don't want to torture myself any longer either as I know if I hold on to this, it will hurt both of us. And if we are separated in the future, it will be even harder, a lot harder. So I did it with the courage from the people around me and after a long session of contemplating.

Yes, I've got a lot in mind. I still have my internship programme to be finished and the uni report follows. Yes, I am so worried as my ex was the one always be by my side through my hardships and happiness. It's not that I don't want to leave him cause I need him for helping me do my assignment, that's just evil and very selfish. I am afraid to go on by myself again after being with him for 1,5 years. I know there are others who experience harder things in life. And I know that this is just the beginning of it. 

No, it's not because someone else. As I said before, I am still afraid of another relationship. I am being very cautious. He asked me about this, but the answer is no. It is purely my decision and my choice to be set free. Yes, I want my freedom.

I am a chicken. I am afraid to move forward as I don't want to get hurt but at the same time I still want to experience the world. As I told my ex, the world is too big to be missed. Was I right though? Did I say that because I was highly emotional? Did I really mean it? The answer is I don't know. I will let it be a mystery to be solved in time. 

The only thing that I know at the moment is I have to be prepared for the worst. Yes I am currently happy with my choice, but I cannot predict the future. Hey, it is my choice, let's face it. Whatever comes as the consequences, I have to be prepared, I have to face it, so what?

I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a weak me. I have to be stronger, I have to learn from this very very carefully.

My worries? Hello, everyone has worries, face them, work harder as I will.

Geez, what did I just say? I don't know.

The thing that I know is, this is my choice, my journey. Sweet and bitter memories have shaped who I am as a person. I wanna fly like a bird. I am free.

I.

Guilt or...

Is it normal to like someone else when you are in a relationship? Or is it a clue that something is wrong with your relationship? I am honestly having a dilemma. 

I admit it, I like someone, not necessarily that I want to go on a date with him or something. And yes, I have discussed this with my bf, strangely enough. My mind was not in the right spot today at work. I still did my job, just slower. I got these weird dreams of the guy that I like (X) the night before. In my dreams, we went out on a date and he treated me very nicely and he kept smiling at me with his cute face and blue eyes. I know it sound ridiculous but whatever, it was nice. Anyway, go back to the story.

So, I told my bf that I like a guy last weekend. I felt so guilty and I felt like I am the meanest person in the world to have told him that. But surprisingly he was ok with it as long as I don't do any contact with that guy in any ways, which I won't since I don't really see that guy recently.

My relationship itself has been in the deepest down. It was horrible and I just wanted to get out of it but we managed to save it in one way or another. I survived.

I told my friend about this earlier today at work (after work, I mean). I told him what kind of guy I like and my girly fantasy whatever. And his piece of advice was to do whatever I feel is right and just enjoy my life. He said I am too young to even worry about this too much. It's not like I'm gonna get married tomorrow or something. Opportunities are still out there, which is true. I gotta enjoy my life #YOLO. 

Well, It is I. I was not satisfied enough. So I called my mum and asked her for advice. She said that is normal especially cause I am still trying to collect the pieces of my life and trying to rearrange it, relationship wise. Anything we discussed was good, and this, she said: you can break up if the reason makes sense, not because one is cheating, that's a big NO NO, which is fair enough. I won't do something that I don't want someone to do it to me. I was alright after that.

I lived my life normally. I even did some work on my assignment until almost midnight once I thought I'm finished with the assignment stuff for the night. Then I got struck by the guilty feeling once again. Yes, as my friend said, I think too much! I feel stupid man. Like, so insecure or whatever you can call it. I don't like this feeling. I don't wanna be an immature early teenager whatsoever. I'm over it. But these funny thoughts just came up once again. I don't worry about anything but my sleep. I've been lacking of sleep for couple of days now. It is not good. Nothing really bothers me but my sleep man. That's why I decided to write everything down here. I just have no idea of what I need to do with my life. I'll try to enjoy, to be happy and pretend that nothing has happened. I am dumb for this shit, like seriously.


I.

Auckland Pride Parade

Hi all,

The Pride Parade in Auckland just heated up the city last weekend. That was the really first time in my life to see an LGBTIQ event on the spot. It was actually an unforgettable experience for me. Everything was very colourful and eye-catching. There were about 50+ floats wandering around Ponsonby Road. People got together and enjoyed themselves being buried in the crowd. I didn't actually mind to have stood there for nearly 2 hours. Of course I was there with my wonderful baby SLR.

When the parade begun, I just blasted my shutter all the way to make sure that I got everything. I loved the loudest, most colourful and shiny floats. I enjoyed the marching band too. I could really feel the diversity of peoples in Auckland. It was amazing. And yeah, I went straight home after the parade. I took a peek of the Sky Tower shining the rainbow light. It was cool too ;).

Maori Culture

The Marching Band that I liked.

They looked cool in uniforms

You get the idea how crowded it was

Hello from Mr. Kiwi Police

Angel dog?

The Mermaid is in town.

ZM Radio

Yes, I am

The Rotorua Group. They were cool too.

Oh oh, guess what, my uni was participating too!

Whoops!

I guess she was conscious of my flash.

Almost..the end.

I.

What is Hard for Me

Hi all,

I'm writing this during my last 18 minutes waiting time before boarding, heading back to Kiwiland (if the time stated on the boarding pass is on time). I just got an inspiration to write this blog today, 2 days ago. I don't know if it would be useful for you, but it is a realisation for me. So ya, I will begin the story.

2 days ago I was feeling so sad of leaving my house for I don't know how many times. Every time I was about to leave the house to head back to NZ, I found it really hard to go. My heart always feel like I don't wanna go. I just want to stay here, at home, my comfort zone.

Many people say that if you are brave to fight your own feeling to get out of your comfort zone, you are the real adventurer. At first I thought that leaving my comfort zone is the toughest thing to do. Well, at first, yes. It was real hard, but there was this really high level of excitement that wiped away my fear and anxiousness. So, I wasn't as afraid or worried.

After 2,5 years staying overseas by myself, I found the truly hard thing, TO STAY, TO PROVE, TO SURVIVE. 

To stay overseas by myself without knowing anybody is hard, but it was temporary. After a while, I met a group of friends, nice families, colleagues, church buddies and others. As the time goes, this feeling of hardship faded away little by little. 

To prove that I can do what I want and I am responsible with my choice is hard. Is that easy to prove that you can study at uni without taking any college or foundation overseas beforehand with pretty bad english? No, it was shit. It was really hard. However, after you met some friends and lecturers who are willing to help you, it is possible. I will repeat, IT IS POSSIBLE. I am with pretty bad english, knowing almost nothing about what my lecturer said for the first time could prove it to my family that I am responsible with my choice and I can get good marks, for them as a proof. 

To survive is the hardest thing that I experience right now. Here I am, all the way from Indonesia to Kiwiland by myself. I have to survive alone with the help from the people around me. At first, having a student visa will guarantee your life like a whole lot. You don't need to worry about what to do, you have uni. Every time you return there you know what to look forward into, school, study. You know where to go when you need help, visa. Your student centre. Your life is easy when you are guaranteed with a student visa.

What's afterwards? Work or go back? Stay or leave? Those are the next questions that I need to ask myself. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTER. Yes I will do my best to get a job for sure, I will try my best to stay and earn some work experience at the place where I have been studying. Yes for sure. But what if my work visa is declined? What if I don't get any job? Do I need to marry someone there to be able to stay? Here comes networking. If I just have uni friends with the same questions, it is hard to know. With the condition of 'pretty hard to get a job', I am paralysed. Am I worried? Yes! I love Kiwiland. I want to stay here. I want to be able to share my knowledge, which I gained in uni to my workplace. I want to work to improve the tourism industry in the country for sure. I also want to share my knowledge with the people back home. I love tourism, I love Kiwiland, I love my country. I know there are better opportunities in terms of career in Kiwiland. I, as a human being, am worried about my future. The life after school is uncertain. I really hope that I can get what I want with my hard work and hard will.

It is hard to life in an uncertain situation for sure. But I gotta remember my first motivation to go there and study. I have to remind myself about the purpose of all these. At the end of the day, I have TO SURVIVE. No matter how hard it is, I have to do it. I have to be responsible with my choice. Life never gets any easier. I HAVE TO DO THIS!

I.

A Life Lesson

Today, I was doing a routine trip: the banks. The first thing that was annoying today was the fact that I slept real late the night before and I needed to get up early. I was sleepy as. But anyway, I went to the bank with my mum and my brother as usual.

After the bank, mum and I were planning to go to the hairdresser to get me a haircut. In the middle of our trip,  mum got a call from a friend to pick up some food. Yup, we went there and picked up the food. After that, mum was a bit worried that the food might get spoilt. So, we decided to go home to drop the food off then we'll go to the hairdresser. At that time, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about our plan to go to the hairdresser (I was partially lazy too). Then, I asked mum to call them. And, ta da, the hairdresser wasn't home that time. She went out of town and would come back in the evening when we don't really have time. So, we changed our plan to go there tomorrow. At the end, we just stayed at home (lucky I was initiative enough to make mum call them up).

At home,

I was a bit bored (actually I have some uni work to do, but I was lazy to open up some documents, so I left it a bit till the evening. At least that's what I thought). Anyway, mum was busy preparing some lunch for us, but I ended up not eating any except a red bean bread (my appetite went down currently). Then, it came the time when only mum and I in the room. At first, we both were very quiet. I hate being quiet (I can't stay still when I'm in Indonesia). My mind was swirling a bit for a while. I told mum to tell me some stories, but we both ran out of stories.

Suddenly, a question came up on my mind. I asked my mum this, "mum, I think I'm lonely in New Zealand. You can say, I'm sort of like friend-less. I feel I'm different to most of my friends at my age. I can't really follow their lifestyle, their topics of conversation and their thoughts. I feel like an alien sometimes. Is it a normal thing or is there something wrong with me? I feel I'm a good friend to some of my lecturers and older people. Why is it?"

My mum said, "there is nothing wrong with it. You are different, accept it, be grateful. If you are the same with the others, which aspect of you that stands out? I understand what you feel cause I feel the same. Have you ever seen me hanging out with many friends? No. Some people are just different. That's a talent that you have to be grateful about. Don't you worry. I know you like quiet life most of the time there. I know you like studying and I know you hate loud music. It doesn't mean that you are weird or a nerd. It's people's preference to live life dear. If you enjoy what you are doing, that's fine. As long as everything is balance. You study when you need to, I know you are not a bookworm or antisocial. You still go out there, making interaction with others. That's good. What not good is if you are antisocial and have no interaction with the world. You are normal, you just have different way of thinking and you belong to a different group of people. It's ok my dear :). Are you feeling better now?"

Then I felt like I got a sudden realisation that I'm still normal hahaha. Mum is right, I should live life the way I want as long as I'm happy and not antisocial. I still have friends around my age and I can get along with them fine, just different preferences at some respect. It doesn't mean that I can't hang with them. Doesn't mean that I'm an alien either. Man, I was released. I'm so glad. Being a nerd is not always a bad thing (at least not like the ugly cartoony image).

We then continued talking about following a principal of life, finding the purpose of life, how I already have a target in life for the future, etc. At the end of the day, it was a good conversation. So, the lesson of the day is that people are born to be different. So, don't be afraid to be different, be proud instead!

Have a good day people!

(I'll sleep..getting a haircut tomorrow :p)

I.