What is Hard for Me

Hi all,

I'm writing this during my last 18 minutes waiting time before boarding, heading back to Kiwiland (if the time stated on the boarding pass is on time). I just got an inspiration to write this blog today, 2 days ago. I don't know if it would be useful for you, but it is a realisation for me. So ya, I will begin the story.

2 days ago I was feeling so sad of leaving my house for I don't know how many times. Every time I was about to leave the house to head back to NZ, I found it really hard to go. My heart always feel like I don't wanna go. I just want to stay here, at home, my comfort zone.

Many people say that if you are brave to fight your own feeling to get out of your comfort zone, you are the real adventurer. At first I thought that leaving my comfort zone is the toughest thing to do. Well, at first, yes. It was real hard, but there was this really high level of excitement that wiped away my fear and anxiousness. So, I wasn't as afraid or worried.

After 2,5 years staying overseas by myself, I found the truly hard thing, TO STAY, TO PROVE, TO SURVIVE. 

To stay overseas by myself without knowing anybody is hard, but it was temporary. After a while, I met a group of friends, nice families, colleagues, church buddies and others. As the time goes, this feeling of hardship faded away little by little. 

To prove that I can do what I want and I am responsible with my choice is hard. Is that easy to prove that you can study at uni without taking any college or foundation overseas beforehand with pretty bad english? No, it was shit. It was really hard. However, after you met some friends and lecturers who are willing to help you, it is possible. I will repeat, IT IS POSSIBLE. I am with pretty bad english, knowing almost nothing about what my lecturer said for the first time could prove it to my family that I am responsible with my choice and I can get good marks, for them as a proof. 

To survive is the hardest thing that I experience right now. Here I am, all the way from Indonesia to Kiwiland by myself. I have to survive alone with the help from the people around me. At first, having a student visa will guarantee your life like a whole lot. You don't need to worry about what to do, you have uni. Every time you return there you know what to look forward into, school, study. You know where to go when you need help, visa. Your student centre. Your life is easy when you are guaranteed with a student visa.

What's afterwards? Work or go back? Stay or leave? Those are the next questions that I need to ask myself. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTER. Yes I will do my best to get a job for sure, I will try my best to stay and earn some work experience at the place where I have been studying. Yes for sure. But what if my work visa is declined? What if I don't get any job? Do I need to marry someone there to be able to stay? Here comes networking. If I just have uni friends with the same questions, it is hard to know. With the condition of 'pretty hard to get a job', I am paralysed. Am I worried? Yes! I love Kiwiland. I want to stay here. I want to be able to share my knowledge, which I gained in uni to my workplace. I want to work to improve the tourism industry in the country for sure. I also want to share my knowledge with the people back home. I love tourism, I love Kiwiland, I love my country. I know there are better opportunities in terms of career in Kiwiland. I, as a human being, am worried about my future. The life after school is uncertain. I really hope that I can get what I want with my hard work and hard will.

It is hard to life in an uncertain situation for sure. But I gotta remember my first motivation to go there and study. I have to remind myself about the purpose of all these. At the end of the day, I have TO SURVIVE. No matter how hard it is, I have to do it. I have to be responsible with my choice. Life never gets any easier. I HAVE TO DO THIS!

I.