What Will You Do When You Have Too Much in Mind?

I have held myself several times not to blog about this, but hell, I cannot do this any longer. To whoever out there, please bear with me.

Yes, I've got too much stuff in mind. And yes, I am single now. Yes, it is weird being single again. No, I don't want to have any relationship yet at the moment. That's why I want to write my blog, type whatever.

So, I got separated with my ex-bf just recently. It was my choice. I chose to leave him. Yes, it's been wandering in my mind for a very long time and I finally made a decision. It was hard, it was really really hard. I personally don't want to hurt anyone as I believe in karma. But, I don't want to torture myself any longer either as I know if I hold on to this, it will hurt both of us. And if we are separated in the future, it will be even harder, a lot harder. So I did it with the courage from the people around me and after a long session of contemplating.

Yes, I've got a lot in mind. I still have my internship programme to be finished and the uni report follows. Yes, I am so worried as my ex was the one always be by my side through my hardships and happiness. It's not that I don't want to leave him cause I need him for helping me do my assignment, that's just evil and very selfish. I am afraid to go on by myself again after being with him for 1,5 years. I know there are others who experience harder things in life. And I know that this is just the beginning of it. 

No, it's not because someone else. As I said before, I am still afraid of another relationship. I am being very cautious. He asked me about this, but the answer is no. It is purely my decision and my choice to be set free. Yes, I want my freedom.

I am a chicken. I am afraid to move forward as I don't want to get hurt but at the same time I still want to experience the world. As I told my ex, the world is too big to be missed. Was I right though? Did I say that because I was highly emotional? Did I really mean it? The answer is I don't know. I will let it be a mystery to be solved in time. 

The only thing that I know at the moment is I have to be prepared for the worst. Yes I am currently happy with my choice, but I cannot predict the future. Hey, it is my choice, let's face it. Whatever comes as the consequences, I have to be prepared, I have to face it, so what?

I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a weak me. I have to be stronger, I have to learn from this very very carefully.

My worries? Hello, everyone has worries, face them, work harder as I will.

Geez, what did I just say? I don't know.

The thing that I know is, this is my choice, my journey. Sweet and bitter memories have shaped who I am as a person. I wanna fly like a bird. I am free.

I.

Guilt or...

Is it normal to like someone else when you are in a relationship? Or is it a clue that something is wrong with your relationship? I am honestly having a dilemma. 

I admit it, I like someone, not necessarily that I want to go on a date with him or something. And yes, I have discussed this with my bf, strangely enough. My mind was not in the right spot today at work. I still did my job, just slower. I got these weird dreams of the guy that I like (X) the night before. In my dreams, we went out on a date and he treated me very nicely and he kept smiling at me with his cute face and blue eyes. I know it sound ridiculous but whatever, it was nice. Anyway, go back to the story.

So, I told my bf that I like a guy last weekend. I felt so guilty and I felt like I am the meanest person in the world to have told him that. But surprisingly he was ok with it as long as I don't do any contact with that guy in any ways, which I won't since I don't really see that guy recently.

My relationship itself has been in the deepest down. It was horrible and I just wanted to get out of it but we managed to save it in one way or another. I survived.

I told my friend about this earlier today at work (after work, I mean). I told him what kind of guy I like and my girly fantasy whatever. And his piece of advice was to do whatever I feel is right and just enjoy my life. He said I am too young to even worry about this too much. It's not like I'm gonna get married tomorrow or something. Opportunities are still out there, which is true. I gotta enjoy my life #YOLO. 

Well, It is I. I was not satisfied enough. So I called my mum and asked her for advice. She said that is normal especially cause I am still trying to collect the pieces of my life and trying to rearrange it, relationship wise. Anything we discussed was good, and this, she said: you can break up if the reason makes sense, not because one is cheating, that's a big NO NO, which is fair enough. I won't do something that I don't want someone to do it to me. I was alright after that.

I lived my life normally. I even did some work on my assignment until almost midnight once I thought I'm finished with the assignment stuff for the night. Then I got struck by the guilty feeling once again. Yes, as my friend said, I think too much! I feel stupid man. Like, so insecure or whatever you can call it. I don't like this feeling. I don't wanna be an immature early teenager whatsoever. I'm over it. But these funny thoughts just came up once again. I don't worry about anything but my sleep. I've been lacking of sleep for couple of days now. It is not good. Nothing really bothers me but my sleep man. That's why I decided to write everything down here. I just have no idea of what I need to do with my life. I'll try to enjoy, to be happy and pretend that nothing has happened. I am dumb for this shit, like seriously.


I.

Auckland Pride Parade

Hi all,

The Pride Parade in Auckland just heated up the city last weekend. That was the really first time in my life to see an LGBTIQ event on the spot. It was actually an unforgettable experience for me. Everything was very colourful and eye-catching. There were about 50+ floats wandering around Ponsonby Road. People got together and enjoyed themselves being buried in the crowd. I didn't actually mind to have stood there for nearly 2 hours. Of course I was there with my wonderful baby SLR.

When the parade begun, I just blasted my shutter all the way to make sure that I got everything. I loved the loudest, most colourful and shiny floats. I enjoyed the marching band too. I could really feel the diversity of peoples in Auckland. It was amazing. And yeah, I went straight home after the parade. I took a peek of the Sky Tower shining the rainbow light. It was cool too ;).

Maori Culture

The Marching Band that I liked.

They looked cool in uniforms

You get the idea how crowded it was

Hello from Mr. Kiwi Police

Angel dog?

The Mermaid is in town.

ZM Radio

Yes, I am

The Rotorua Group. They were cool too.

Oh oh, guess what, my uni was participating too!

Whoops!

I guess she was conscious of my flash.

Almost..the end.

I.

What is Hard for Me

Hi all,

I'm writing this during my last 18 minutes waiting time before boarding, heading back to Kiwiland (if the time stated on the boarding pass is on time). I just got an inspiration to write this blog today, 2 days ago. I don't know if it would be useful for you, but it is a realisation for me. So ya, I will begin the story.

2 days ago I was feeling so sad of leaving my house for I don't know how many times. Every time I was about to leave the house to head back to NZ, I found it really hard to go. My heart always feel like I don't wanna go. I just want to stay here, at home, my comfort zone.

Many people say that if you are brave to fight your own feeling to get out of your comfort zone, you are the real adventurer. At first I thought that leaving my comfort zone is the toughest thing to do. Well, at first, yes. It was real hard, but there was this really high level of excitement that wiped away my fear and anxiousness. So, I wasn't as afraid or worried.

After 2,5 years staying overseas by myself, I found the truly hard thing, TO STAY, TO PROVE, TO SURVIVE. 

To stay overseas by myself without knowing anybody is hard, but it was temporary. After a while, I met a group of friends, nice families, colleagues, church buddies and others. As the time goes, this feeling of hardship faded away little by little. 

To prove that I can do what I want and I am responsible with my choice is hard. Is that easy to prove that you can study at uni without taking any college or foundation overseas beforehand with pretty bad english? No, it was shit. It was really hard. However, after you met some friends and lecturers who are willing to help you, it is possible. I will repeat, IT IS POSSIBLE. I am with pretty bad english, knowing almost nothing about what my lecturer said for the first time could prove it to my family that I am responsible with my choice and I can get good marks, for them as a proof. 

To survive is the hardest thing that I experience right now. Here I am, all the way from Indonesia to Kiwiland by myself. I have to survive alone with the help from the people around me. At first, having a student visa will guarantee your life like a whole lot. You don't need to worry about what to do, you have uni. Every time you return there you know what to look forward into, school, study. You know where to go when you need help, visa. Your student centre. Your life is easy when you are guaranteed with a student visa.

What's afterwards? Work or go back? Stay or leave? Those are the next questions that I need to ask myself. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AFTER. Yes I will do my best to get a job for sure, I will try my best to stay and earn some work experience at the place where I have been studying. Yes for sure. But what if my work visa is declined? What if I don't get any job? Do I need to marry someone there to be able to stay? Here comes networking. If I just have uni friends with the same questions, it is hard to know. With the condition of 'pretty hard to get a job', I am paralysed. Am I worried? Yes! I love Kiwiland. I want to stay here. I want to be able to share my knowledge, which I gained in uni to my workplace. I want to work to improve the tourism industry in the country for sure. I also want to share my knowledge with the people back home. I love tourism, I love Kiwiland, I love my country. I know there are better opportunities in terms of career in Kiwiland. I, as a human being, am worried about my future. The life after school is uncertain. I really hope that I can get what I want with my hard work and hard will.

It is hard to life in an uncertain situation for sure. But I gotta remember my first motivation to go there and study. I have to remind myself about the purpose of all these. At the end of the day, I have TO SURVIVE. No matter how hard it is, I have to do it. I have to be responsible with my choice. Life never gets any easier. I HAVE TO DO THIS!

I.

A Life Lesson

Today, I was doing a routine trip: the banks. The first thing that was annoying today was the fact that I slept real late the night before and I needed to get up early. I was sleepy as. But anyway, I went to the bank with my mum and my brother as usual.

After the bank, mum and I were planning to go to the hairdresser to get me a haircut. In the middle of our trip,  mum got a call from a friend to pick up some food. Yup, we went there and picked up the food. After that, mum was a bit worried that the food might get spoilt. So, we decided to go home to drop the food off then we'll go to the hairdresser. At that time, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about our plan to go to the hairdresser (I was partially lazy too). Then, I asked mum to call them. And, ta da, the hairdresser wasn't home that time. She went out of town and would come back in the evening when we don't really have time. So, we changed our plan to go there tomorrow. At the end, we just stayed at home (lucky I was initiative enough to make mum call them up).

At home,

I was a bit bored (actually I have some uni work to do, but I was lazy to open up some documents, so I left it a bit till the evening. At least that's what I thought). Anyway, mum was busy preparing some lunch for us, but I ended up not eating any except a red bean bread (my appetite went down currently). Then, it came the time when only mum and I in the room. At first, we both were very quiet. I hate being quiet (I can't stay still when I'm in Indonesia). My mind was swirling a bit for a while. I told mum to tell me some stories, but we both ran out of stories.

Suddenly, a question came up on my mind. I asked my mum this, "mum, I think I'm lonely in New Zealand. You can say, I'm sort of like friend-less. I feel I'm different to most of my friends at my age. I can't really follow their lifestyle, their topics of conversation and their thoughts. I feel like an alien sometimes. Is it a normal thing or is there something wrong with me? I feel I'm a good friend to some of my lecturers and older people. Why is it?"

My mum said, "there is nothing wrong with it. You are different, accept it, be grateful. If you are the same with the others, which aspect of you that stands out? I understand what you feel cause I feel the same. Have you ever seen me hanging out with many friends? No. Some people are just different. That's a talent that you have to be grateful about. Don't you worry. I know you like quiet life most of the time there. I know you like studying and I know you hate loud music. It doesn't mean that you are weird or a nerd. It's people's preference to live life dear. If you enjoy what you are doing, that's fine. As long as everything is balance. You study when you need to, I know you are not a bookworm or antisocial. You still go out there, making interaction with others. That's good. What not good is if you are antisocial and have no interaction with the world. You are normal, you just have different way of thinking and you belong to a different group of people. It's ok my dear :). Are you feeling better now?"

Then I felt like I got a sudden realisation that I'm still normal hahaha. Mum is right, I should live life the way I want as long as I'm happy and not antisocial. I still have friends around my age and I can get along with them fine, just different preferences at some respect. It doesn't mean that I can't hang with them. Doesn't mean that I'm an alien either. Man, I was released. I'm so glad. Being a nerd is not always a bad thing (at least not like the ugly cartoony image).

We then continued talking about following a principal of life, finding the purpose of life, how I already have a target in life for the future, etc. At the end of the day, it was a good conversation. So, the lesson of the day is that people are born to be different. So, don't be afraid to be different, be proud instead!

Have a good day people!

(I'll sleep..getting a haircut tomorrow :p)

I.

Indonesia: The Return

Hi all,

it's my summer holiday in Indonesia. This is my last week of enjoying the heat plus the cheap and yummy Indonesian food. I've been missing my hometown so badly since 4 months back. Yeah, it's very normal for me who have been living in this country for 17 years till I finally decided to go overseas by myself. And I will be missing this country for I don't know how many more months after this.

Anyway, this is my shortest yet the most memorable return to Indonesia. I went back this year specifically for my brother's wedding (obviously with some trips around). I think I really got the most of it cause my bf came for a visit as well. Of course, we took him around and showed him how Indonesia looks like (only some parts were visited). He absolutely loved it. We went around and flew everywhere. Man, the journey was so tiring. I think I flew a lot in these 2 months. Anyway, I will do a little analysis of some of my trips with some pictures (for the first time). So, please bear with me.

As I travelled around, I discovered some reasons why a region is different to other regions. I compared mainly Mataram (Lombok) to Bali. Lombok is a more quiet island compared to Bali. I found more international tourists compared to domestic. I think most westerners who came to Lombok really love the tranquility and the pristine condition of the island and the beaches surround it. I don't blame them. I do like going away from crowds and busy lifestyle I have back in Surabaya. I absolutely loved the white sandy beaches which still looked so pure and almost untouched. I could see the clear water and the corals. That was so beautiful. Too bad I wasn't in the mood of doing any water activities. In contrast, Bali is more for busy lifestyle and shoppers paradise (at least for me). I could find almost everything there. The beaches weren't as clean and clear yet they are still pretty. For me, Bali is way overdeveloped that you'll see hotel after hotel on one strip of the road.

The negative side of Lombok is that the locals are not as friendly and welcoming the tourists. They tend to push away tourists. I've heard from some people who work there (including the tour driver) that the locals are not as ambitious to grow and to earn more money from tourism (I think they haven't seen a big advantage of tourism in their area). However, for some locals who knew the financial benefit of tourism tend to sell souvenirs to tourists to a certain level that will annoy the tourists themselves. The positive sides I guess are the scenery (my driver said that the beaches there have better view compared to the ones in Bali) and the tranquility for tourists who don't like much noise. However, don't get it wrong. If you wanna experience the central of crowd and some party time, you should go to Gili Trawangan. It's sort of like the 'Western' side of Lombok.

The pure beach of Gili Trawangan Island, Lombok.

Gili Trawangan Island, the 'Western' side of Lombok.

PS. My driver gave a little joke about Lombok that the destiny of Lombok is highly dependent on Bali (Propinsi NTB: Nusa Tenggara Barat Province / Nasib Tergantung Bali). When the Bali bombings occurred, there was absolutely no tourism happening in Lombok.

In comparison, Bali is more alive. Locals are very friendly and welcoming. For those people who love shopping in the different side of Indonesia then you should go to Bali. Traffic jam is everywhere when it comes to peak time of the holiday. Otherwise, it'll be a bit more quiet. Don't worry of getting some food or finding a place to hang out, Bali never dies. However, you have to bear with the price. It's considered as expensive (at least for us, domestic tourists), because most tourist attractions there are highly commercialised. You will also need to bear with the rubbish around the beaches, mainly in Kuta. You won't really see clear water in popular beaches, so you have to be ready to see it. It's not that bad after all. It's just not as clear as it used to be. By the way, I will give some recommendations of where to go if you happen to visit Bali.

Pandora Beach. It was my second time visiting that beach. It was hot as hell!

Water Blow, Nusa Dua - Bali. I just discovered it as my aunty told me that time. I tried to google maps it but I found nothing. If you wanna visit it, just go to Grand Hyatt Hotel Bali. It was like, 'right there'. Very cool to check out. Just be careful, cause the wind was pretty strong aaannnd..hot as well.

At the end of the day, it's all about personal preference and lifestyle. All of what I said was relied on my personal opinion. Experiences will differ from people to people. I hope you like my thoughts. If you happen to visit Indonesia at some point, I definitely recommend you guys to visit these 2 islands. You'll experience something that you've never expected before.

By the way, the chocolate massage that I had in Bali was very nice! You can comment below if you are curious where I had it. Enjoy! :)

I.

Jealousy

Hi all,

it's been a long time since I last wrote my story. I miss blogging. Anyway, how's everyone doing? I'm pretty good at the moment. The story that I am about to write is about jealousy. This will all be based on my own story, my own experience. Well, let's get started.

There are two kinds of jealousy according to my own experience. The first jealousy is about being jealous with what other people get, have, or can do. The second jealousy for me is getting annoyed cause someone is flirting with the one I love (you know that kind of jealousy right?!).

Ok, so, when I was in secondary school (intermediate/junior high school), my friends were highly competitive. We were competing on getting better grades. That time, I was so bad in presentation and debate. So yap, I got pretty crappy grades on those subjects. The other thing that I was very bad at (still am) is sports. I couldn't run fast, I always lost in sports competition, I always got crappy marks on those things. Also, as a girl, I am jealous with pretty and popular girls at school. I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad and I even thought why was I born like this? I kinda couldn't accept the reality about who I am. I blamed myself for not being able to play sports. I blamed myself to be shy and bad at presentation and all that. I couldn't be grateful for what I've got. I just couldn't. I reckon my mum doesn't even know about this. I don't want to make her feel bad.

The other thing that I got annoyed about is wealth and glamour lifestyle. I always love branded stuff. I just couldn't afford having too many branded stuff with incredibly high price. It's just not I. I always got jealous with wealthy people. For me, they are spoiled brat who don't even think about price tags when they buy stuff. Again, I blamed my life for this.

Then, it all got changed when I was in high school. I learnt lots bout less fortunate people. I learnt lots bout how some of my friends fought and studied really hard to get scholarship to get into our school. I felt so lucky that I didn't need to fight too much to get a scholarship (even I just got the lowest level of scholarship, but I am still very lucky). I am very lucky that I can study overseas without having to spend an extra 1 year to go to foundation for uni prep. And it all goes back to my conversation with my acupuncturist last time. He just said a simple sentence to me "never look up to other people who are crazier than you, look down to less fortunate people instead". That sentence really got me. It changed me in a really nice way. I admit that I still get jealous sometimes, but I tried to be more grateful than before so that my grace to God outweighs my jealousy. And yes, I feel great!

It's not an easy thing to do to be honest. It needs time, motivation, reminder and support. My mum always tells me, be grateful of what you've got in life Irna, many people out there can't even eat. Last time I went shopping and I bought a shirt for my aunty. The shirt got some nappy sands stain on it. It got me a bit annoyed cause it's the only shirt left. I complained, they said they can't lower the price. I fully understand that. I still got that shirt and I tried to get rid of the stain. What really got me last time though, the store manager told me something like, "oh, sorry, it's already discounted, and it's only $20 anyway". Oh well lady, be careful in saying that. $20 is a lot for most people out there. Their pay per day is not even that much. So please, value whatever it is, value your money, you never know how valuable that amount of money for other people. As my mum always says, "keep and value your money even if it's just 1 cent, you'll never know how much you have by keep saving that 1 cent everyday. $999.99 will never be $1000 without a cent."

So ya, I went a bit off topic but anyway, that was my version of the first type of jealousy. Let's get going with the second type of jealousy. So yap, according to what I define as the second type of jealousy, it is something to do with love story. And yeap, I have a partner (still a bf by the way). I got really jealous when he kept telling me that my friend is so pretty, bubbly and nice when we were first going out. Well, obviously, I was still on fire with the lovey dovey stage of our relationship. So, I got really jealous and angry at him, but it all went alright. We are adults at the end of the day. We just need to be reminded most of the time. But what really got me was what he told me last night. I know the story happened years back, but really it got me to the nerve and back (I still appreciate what he did though. He told me this, it must be pretty hard for him to tell me as he doesn't want to hurt me, 'I believe..haha').

Years back, I know that well he had a crush. She is cute and what not and ya, they were in love. They weren't in a relationship per se, but they were pretty close. They spent time together and had good time and what not..normal thing to happen anyway. Last night he told me that once they went to a club together. They were dancing and all (this is not really my lifestyle by the way, I don't like going to a bar as I found it too loud. I have sensitive ears and pardon my Asian culture). Then he said that this girl is extremely flirty (not surprising for me as she was still trying to seduce my bf at the cafe when we visited Melbourne. We were 6 people in that cafe, catching up with my bf's old friends. She was moving her legs towards my bf even I was there. It was so obvious and annoying. Lucky I am kinda an ignorant person that time, so I didn't really care. When my bf tried to include me in the conversation, she would relate it back to her so that she could dominate the whole conversation. This didn't bother me so much though cause I trust my bf. He is a good guy). Ok, go back to the main story. So ya, he told me that they were dancing in that club. According to his description, he was standing behind her, holding her hip and dancing. And she was holding my bf's head. Well, ok, they were in love, who cares. But not only that, she actually put her booties on my bf legs and started moving it around to, oh well, seduce him. He felt it (as you all know) and he tried to move back to avoid anything negative to happen. But well, she knew it and she continued doing that (my bf said that she was tipsy). Well, ok, fair enough. But well, I found it a bit gross. He chose a bad time to tell me that, oh gosh. It was last night when I was about to enter my house. It was not a good story to finish our night really.

As ignorant as I am, that story got me to the nerve man. I know that I am a pretty visual person, I felt like I kinda can imagine that. And that thing is still lingering in my mind till now (that's why I decided to write it here, to help get rid of it from my mind a bit at least). It got me thinking that she is actually a really flirty one. No wonder why she still tried to seduce my bf even when I was there. I know that she doesn't like me at all. All the pretty words she said to me, actually, I found it as lots of rubbish. I know it might not be fair on both of them that I feel this way. It happened long time ago anyway. But it doesn't mean that she will not try to do similar things. For the second time of my life, I am jealous, very very jealous. I found the story very very annoying. I am worried that I would lose him anytime in the future. As much as I trust him, I can't rely on trust though. People can change their mind in seconds. Whenever I see the message from my bf, I am always reminded of that story. HOW ANNOYING!

He said sorry and all, but it's already said. I still can't get over it. I really want to but I still can't at the moment. I am leaving to Indonesia soon by the way. It got me really worried about him. I know he said don't worry, he is all mine, but still.

But at least, this feeling has made me realise that I am still a human, a normal one. It is normal that I get jealous cause I love him. It would be weird if I am a total ignorant (nothing wrong bout being that kind of person though, some people are like that and they are fine). So ya, I know I am complaining, moaning and all that. But it really got my day. I felt angry and worried for that reason. A bit silly though. But it means that I have to be extra careful in dealing with her in the future (my bf and I have got a plan to move to Melbourne by the way, isn't it normal for me to be more worried?)

My conclusion is, it is normal to be jealous, but don't let that felling control you. Take it as a motivation for you to grow and improve. Stay positive everyone! (as I am trying to be).

I.