I'm in Love in Auckland

It's been a while since I last wrote something on my blog. I've been neglecting many things including my social life lately cause I have been busy working not long after my graduation and travelling with mum and yes it is about my current bf whom I'm in love so much.

Yes, I've been dating several guys in my life but I've never felt this way before (as every girl would say I guess). Well it's true though. I've been constantly missing his company since our first date.

I've only been together with him for about 4 months now and I'm enjoying it so much. I know nobody is perfect but somehow with him I can start accepting myself more as I can accept him and as I start accepting the people around me as well. I might take this as a phase in life when I'm actually maturing, focusing more on improving myself and accepting others more. I'm not saying that I neglect his negativity as a person but I start to compromise better in so many things. It feels like a very nice and enjoyable relationship for me. It's not easy to match myself up with him and his way of living and I'm sure it isn't easy for him to accept me who has a totally different cultural background but I feel that we have been coping with it quite well.

I'm glad that his parents are very nice and welcoming to me and so as my mum to him. I love him for his personality and well I love the fact that he is very well presented and has a really good taste (although a bit too much sometimes but he is super funny). I love it when we spend silly times together, sometimes we are very productive but at the same time we can be lazy as shit hahaha. I love the way he treats me like a princess, he likes making me food while I can't really do much as he hasn't really liked the asian style random food that I made hahaha.

Although he likes cat but I don't and vice versa with dogs too, we have compromised that we won't have a pet.

I love it that we have similar goals in mind to have a luxury holiday somewhere one day, but we also realise that we both have to work hard in order to get our dreams. We also want to move out and start a life together as a couple somewhere else, although he keeps insisting New York haha. I would love to go on an adventure with him, I found that my current relationship is cool idk. I really hope that this can lead to something more serious cause I can't imagine my life without him when every time I'm not with him, I just keep thinking of him. That really first day when we had our first date, full of surprise, is still very vivid playing up on my mind like a video. 

That day when we both swiped right....

I.

Life Confusion

It is near the end of July. I have finished my degree and is currently waiting for my graduation. There are so many things and hassles to sort out before the graduation day. All the efforts and dramas that I've been through have made me exhausted. It all started from finding a coop placement, doing the coop, completing all the coop assignments, relationships, finding a real job, picking up my mum for my graduation, tour bookings and visa application.

I've done most of them, but there are still some stuff that I haven't figured out yet. I am confused as hell. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start..I just don't know anything at the moment. People said that this is a common problem almost every fresh graduate will experience. But my case is a bit of an exception (at least to myself). I need to figure out about my visa, I'm just lucky that New Zealand is such a friendly country in terms of this. However, the steps that I need to go through were crazy. In addition to my problem is finding a real job. Yeah, most people said there will be so much happening in a year, it is such a long time to find a full time job. But I don't know, maybe I'm worried too much about things or I just like feeling secure. I like planning my life as early as possible but at some point I can be lazy as hell and neglect most things. I am weird. But in this case, I am worried cause I love Indonesia as my home country, however I love staying in New Zealand as long as I can. After 3 years of hardwork I kinda feel like I belong there. Many people may disagree, but I have learned lots during my 3 years stay and I want to continue learning there.

And here comes relationships. I have never been in a relationship with a guy in Indonesia. New Zealand is the place where I had my first till current relationship. So, I guess you may think that I have some kind of a connection with this place and I feel special.

I met this guy a month and a bit ago. For me, he is just awesome. Yes there are some flaws and mistakes but hey no one is perfect right?! I fell in love with this guy as soon as we had our 3rd date or something. Yeah, it was fairly fast. I just enjoyed every time I spent with him and everything just felt awesome. Yes, my family does not totally agree with my new relationship cause it is a new "thing" in my family of me dating a white guy. They said we have a totally different cultural background and yes I agree but for me that is the art of this relationship.

I am currently having my holiday while picking up my mum here in Indonesia. Yes, we have discussed lots of things and possibilities for my future. I have hope, I will try my best, I will give my 100% and I will not forget to ask for God's blessings in everything I do.

I am trying to enjoy my super short holiday here, but I'm constantly missing my bf. To be honest, I've never felt this way before, I've never felt so strongly for a guy. I think he has some kind of "special-ness" that I just love. But at the same time, I always think about the "what ifs". What if he likes someone else, what if i can't stay in NZ, what if I can't be the one for him, what if I am too fussy about everything, what if this relationship doesn't work, what if he/I cheat on each other, what if he doesn't love me anymore, what if what if what if..........

I know I tend to think too much, but sometimes when I feel too happy about something I have the fear of losing it soon. I couldn't imagine myself without him right now, everything just seems so nice and beautiful. I don't know if I could survive from a broken heart...I hope it won't happen cause I just love him. I hope my relationship will last :')


I.

Dearly Beloved..

Dearly beloved,

I know you are out there somewhere...
You have arrived safely in the place where you spent most of adolescence time,
Back in your mum's arm again,
Taking care of your family who you have left for quite some time for fulfilling your ambition,
To make them proud of you.

Dearly beloved,

I know you like it there..
You must be so happy to be back,
To enjoy all the luxury and obsession you sacrifice to accomplish your mission down under,
The most boring place on earth you said...
You want to just shoot yourself thinking about coming back, you said..

Dearly beloved,

Have you ever wondered about the one you spent your last minutes with?
The one that you said 'perfect',
The one that you ranked high in just a 'few weeks' timeframe.

Dearly beloved,

Have you ever thought about this tiny soul..
Have you ever wondered how this little eating machine is doing?
Have you ever felt the confusion of waiting for something uncertain?

Dearly beloved,

I understand what you and this tiny soul have agreed before you left..
There is no such label nor status involved..
Just having a good time..
But this tiny soul is tortured,
Know that, the day you left was a disaster.

Dearly beloved,

I know you have no choice but to come back eventually..
I want you to enjoy your time there as much as you can,
Absorb all the positive things you have and ditch all the negative things,
Refresh your mind and soul..

Dearly beloved,

She knows what's important for you..
She is not selfish,
She does believe in faith as you do..
Faith is an amazing thing words cannot explain but time..destiny..
If you both are meant to be then so be it..

Dearly beloved,

Appreciate this tiny human being...
At least, treat her as a human,
Not a machine..
Nor toy.

The memory you shared,
The laughter, the experience, the love
Food and beer?
Care..

This tiny soul is suffering to get over you..
At least, let her know what's going on,
She will back off if need to..
Again, she is not selfish..

Dearly beloved, she loves you, her tiny soul longs for you..


I.

Live Your Life to the Fullest

People always say to live your life to the fullest and always give your 100% in everything. I tend to ignore this and say that's just unbelievable. How can you give 100% in everything you do while you have too much to do in life? Until today I still thought that it means just do whatever, if it's worth it then just do your best, but to what extent?

I guess today was my turning point in life (or whatever closer to that). I thought I did a good job for my study so far even though I got lazy most of the time then panicking for the next week or so. I also think I'm quite good in keeping up with technology and all even though I'm not the expert. So, what's my 100% then? 

Yeah, it's still about relationship, love life whatsoever. This special guy came along to my life (maybe for the last couple of weeks or so). He is the most interesting person I've ever met and hung out with in the area that I am in at the moment. He loves bugging me and making fun of most things I do. He treated me like a little sister and I really enjoyed that cause I feel safe to be around him. Then we did some projects together and that's how I found out that we have the same religion and similar interests in many things. 

We then started doing stuff together (mostly eating and drinking..if you know what I mean) and there comes the Indonesian Festival that I went to (I did the video coverage for the organisation). I invited many of my friends but only he made the effort to actually attended. I booked the VIP session for him as an appreciation. I really felt that he really is a nice guy and I felt appreciated.

Then came other events that I invited him to attend. At that time, I got too much problems in life (according to my own perspective and feeling). And he just came along and accompanied me most of the time even the worst time in my life. Interestingly, he can read my mind and my feeling even though we just hung out for like 2 weeks or so. I guess he is so experienced in dealing with girls. Then yeah, everything was flowery and nice. And as expected, feelings were developed too. 

The relations with giving 100%?
Since I hung out with this guy, I felt more and more wanting to spend time with him (as people say the honeymoon stage). But not only that, he is full of surprises. Started with chilli chocolate on the desk, makeup and glasses wipe, kinder surprise, nice beers, putting on my jacket, giving his jacket to me when it was so cold, walked me home (like literally walked me home)....and all sorts of things that I've never experienced in life.

Interestingly enough, for whatever he gave me, I felt like I wanna do him a favour or just surprised him too with other stuff (I didn't feel like I owe him or something, but just naturally wanting to do something similar that will surprise him too). That time I felt like I'm giving 100% of me to him. We bought each other food, shared some beers, when he took me somewhere nice then I took him somewhere else, all sorts of interesting things that we could imagine (or more like we could do at this time).

His friends said I'm a nice person, one even said that I have my own technique of seduction or so, but I didn't feel like I have one. It's simply because I want to be nice to him, maybe to some extent impress him and because he made me feel appreciated, I wanna do something that will make him happy and at the same time will make me different to other girls that he has dated. It's a girly thing to do I guess.

Yes I like him so much. Too much to imagine for a short period of time. One time I asked him to go fishing (I don't know anything about fishing techniques and stuff). I did it cause I want to learn. Besides, I want to simply spend time with him doing something that he likes and He really appreciated that. Yeah, we walked to the beach, ate some wicked wings and drank some beers. It was so much fun!!! I never imagined fishing to be that fun to be honest. I really enjoyed every second that I spent with him anywhere. He is one awesome guy.

I never expected hanging out with someone to be this fun. I knew that he has to go back to his hometown one day as he has mentioned it earlier. The first plan was in June, but then something happened that he has to leave tomorrow. I am sad, broken. Since I knew what his problems are, I was the one encouraging him to go home as early as possible, yet I am the one hurting as well. I knew all the consequences, so I take them. I know this ain't goodbye for good, but we never know what's gonna happen. It is hard to face life, a perfect one almost, when the fun is peaked and then you are forced to drop it right there and then or like you fell off the steepest cliff. This is the hardest goodbye, if ever.

Just before the weekend, he gave me this bunch of chicken drumsticks for me to take home. As my other colleagues insisted to have a shared lunch thingy today, I had an idea to cook something. So I decided to cook the chicken. He said to me, if I could impress him with my cooking, it will be awesome as I always mention to him that I can't cook. And yeap, surprise surprise, he liked my cooking!! I'm so happy. I felt like, 'hell yeah, mission accomplished!' (pardon my swearing). I felt like I did my best to make him happy/to impress him whatever you call it.

I think this is the real giving 100% thing in life. I cooked the chicken till 12:09am in the morning. I don't know what the hell happens to me (quoting him), but I enjoyed it. And I think I've done my absolute best. I am satisfied of what I have done. And his expressions when he was very impressed by me was soon priceless! He is so cute in some ways, very manly on the others.

I didn't want to leave earlier on, knowing that it is the last day he is here. I know he is leaving really early in the morning tomorrow. I am having a dilemma whether I should come early and be even more sad seeing him go or stay in bed until the time to go to work and just live normally even though it is hurting inside. I don't know what to do cause he will be going for so long that I don't know if I will ever see him again (I know that he is coming back next year, but will I still be here?). I don't want to regret anything though, but at the same time I don't wanna show up all sad and make it hard for him to leave on the D day. It is tough.

He once said to me, 'I am sure that you believe in faith. If we are meant to be then we are meant to be. If that time comes, I will seriously date you'. He also said that he hasn't felt this kinda feeling for such a long time (I am flattered). I also once said to him, if we are meant to be then I will devote myself to him cause I know he is worth it.

He told me as much as he might not miss it here, he will miss me tremendously. It's been the most amazing 3-4 weeks life in NZ.

I don't know what's gonna happen next, but as he said, we believe in faith. No matter what happens next, I believe God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. I will be happy for whatever happens in the future. Anyway, this is one beautiful thing that has happened, the reason? let it remain a mystery.



I.

What Will You Do When You Have Too Much in Mind?

I have held myself several times not to blog about this, but hell, I cannot do this any longer. To whoever out there, please bear with me.

Yes, I've got too much stuff in mind. And yes, I am single now. Yes, it is weird being single again. No, I don't want to have any relationship yet at the moment. That's why I want to write my blog, type whatever.

So, I got separated with my ex-bf just recently. It was my choice. I chose to leave him. Yes, it's been wandering in my mind for a very long time and I finally made a decision. It was hard, it was really really hard. I personally don't want to hurt anyone as I believe in karma. But, I don't want to torture myself any longer either as I know if I hold on to this, it will hurt both of us. And if we are separated in the future, it will be even harder, a lot harder. So I did it with the courage from the people around me and after a long session of contemplating.

Yes, I've got a lot in mind. I still have my internship programme to be finished and the uni report follows. Yes, I am so worried as my ex was the one always be by my side through my hardships and happiness. It's not that I don't want to leave him cause I need him for helping me do my assignment, that's just evil and very selfish. I am afraid to go on by myself again after being with him for 1,5 years. I know there are others who experience harder things in life. And I know that this is just the beginning of it. 

No, it's not because someone else. As I said before, I am still afraid of another relationship. I am being very cautious. He asked me about this, but the answer is no. It is purely my decision and my choice to be set free. Yes, I want my freedom.

I am a chicken. I am afraid to move forward as I don't want to get hurt but at the same time I still want to experience the world. As I told my ex, the world is too big to be missed. Was I right though? Did I say that because I was highly emotional? Did I really mean it? The answer is I don't know. I will let it be a mystery to be solved in time. 

The only thing that I know at the moment is I have to be prepared for the worst. Yes I am currently happy with my choice, but I cannot predict the future. Hey, it is my choice, let's face it. Whatever comes as the consequences, I have to be prepared, I have to face it, so what?

I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a weak me. I have to be stronger, I have to learn from this very very carefully.

My worries? Hello, everyone has worries, face them, work harder as I will.

Geez, what did I just say? I don't know.

The thing that I know is, this is my choice, my journey. Sweet and bitter memories have shaped who I am as a person. I wanna fly like a bird. I am free.

I.

Guilt or...

Is it normal to like someone else when you are in a relationship? Or is it a clue that something is wrong with your relationship? I am honestly having a dilemma. 

I admit it, I like someone, not necessarily that I want to go on a date with him or something. And yes, I have discussed this with my bf, strangely enough. My mind was not in the right spot today at work. I still did my job, just slower. I got these weird dreams of the guy that I like (X) the night before. In my dreams, we went out on a date and he treated me very nicely and he kept smiling at me with his cute face and blue eyes. I know it sound ridiculous but whatever, it was nice. Anyway, go back to the story.

So, I told my bf that I like a guy last weekend. I felt so guilty and I felt like I am the meanest person in the world to have told him that. But surprisingly he was ok with it as long as I don't do any contact with that guy in any ways, which I won't since I don't really see that guy recently.

My relationship itself has been in the deepest down. It was horrible and I just wanted to get out of it but we managed to save it in one way or another. I survived.

I told my friend about this earlier today at work (after work, I mean). I told him what kind of guy I like and my girly fantasy whatever. And his piece of advice was to do whatever I feel is right and just enjoy my life. He said I am too young to even worry about this too much. It's not like I'm gonna get married tomorrow or something. Opportunities are still out there, which is true. I gotta enjoy my life #YOLO. 

Well, It is I. I was not satisfied enough. So I called my mum and asked her for advice. She said that is normal especially cause I am still trying to collect the pieces of my life and trying to rearrange it, relationship wise. Anything we discussed was good, and this, she said: you can break up if the reason makes sense, not because one is cheating, that's a big NO NO, which is fair enough. I won't do something that I don't want someone to do it to me. I was alright after that.

I lived my life normally. I even did some work on my assignment until almost midnight once I thought I'm finished with the assignment stuff for the night. Then I got struck by the guilty feeling once again. Yes, as my friend said, I think too much! I feel stupid man. Like, so insecure or whatever you can call it. I don't like this feeling. I don't wanna be an immature early teenager whatsoever. I'm over it. But these funny thoughts just came up once again. I don't worry about anything but my sleep. I've been lacking of sleep for couple of days now. It is not good. Nothing really bothers me but my sleep man. That's why I decided to write everything down here. I just have no idea of what I need to do with my life. I'll try to enjoy, to be happy and pretend that nothing has happened. I am dumb for this shit, like seriously.


I.

Auckland Pride Parade

Hi all,

The Pride Parade in Auckland just heated up the city last weekend. That was the really first time in my life to see an LGBTIQ event on the spot. It was actually an unforgettable experience for me. Everything was very colourful and eye-catching. There were about 50+ floats wandering around Ponsonby Road. People got together and enjoyed themselves being buried in the crowd. I didn't actually mind to have stood there for nearly 2 hours. Of course I was there with my wonderful baby SLR.

When the parade begun, I just blasted my shutter all the way to make sure that I got everything. I loved the loudest, most colourful and shiny floats. I enjoyed the marching band too. I could really feel the diversity of peoples in Auckland. It was amazing. And yeah, I went straight home after the parade. I took a peek of the Sky Tower shining the rainbow light. It was cool too ;).

Maori Culture

The Marching Band that I liked.

They looked cool in uniforms

You get the idea how crowded it was

Hello from Mr. Kiwi Police

Angel dog?

The Mermaid is in town.

ZM Radio

Yes, I am

The Rotorua Group. They were cool too.

Oh oh, guess what, my uni was participating too!

Whoops!

I guess she was conscious of my flash.

Almost..the end.

I.