Life Confusion

It is near the end of July. I have finished my degree and is currently waiting for my graduation. There are so many things and hassles to sort out before the graduation day. All the efforts and dramas that I've been through have made me exhausted. It all started from finding a coop placement, doing the coop, completing all the coop assignments, relationships, finding a real job, picking up my mum for my graduation, tour bookings and visa application.

I've done most of them, but there are still some stuff that I haven't figured out yet. I am confused as hell. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to start..I just don't know anything at the moment. People said that this is a common problem almost every fresh graduate will experience. But my case is a bit of an exception (at least to myself). I need to figure out about my visa, I'm just lucky that New Zealand is such a friendly country in terms of this. However, the steps that I need to go through were crazy. In addition to my problem is finding a real job. Yeah, most people said there will be so much happening in a year, it is such a long time to find a full time job. But I don't know, maybe I'm worried too much about things or I just like feeling secure. I like planning my life as early as possible but at some point I can be lazy as hell and neglect most things. I am weird. But in this case, I am worried cause I love Indonesia as my home country, however I love staying in New Zealand as long as I can. After 3 years of hardwork I kinda feel like I belong there. Many people may disagree, but I have learned lots during my 3 years stay and I want to continue learning there.

And here comes relationships. I have never been in a relationship with a guy in Indonesia. New Zealand is the place where I had my first till current relationship. So, I guess you may think that I have some kind of a connection with this place and I feel special.

I met this guy a month and a bit ago. For me, he is just awesome. Yes there are some flaws and mistakes but hey no one is perfect right?! I fell in love with this guy as soon as we had our 3rd date or something. Yeah, it was fairly fast. I just enjoyed every time I spent with him and everything just felt awesome. Yes, my family does not totally agree with my new relationship cause it is a new "thing" in my family of me dating a white guy. They said we have a totally different cultural background and yes I agree but for me that is the art of this relationship.

I am currently having my holiday while picking up my mum here in Indonesia. Yes, we have discussed lots of things and possibilities for my future. I have hope, I will try my best, I will give my 100% and I will not forget to ask for God's blessings in everything I do.

I am trying to enjoy my super short holiday here, but I'm constantly missing my bf. To be honest, I've never felt this way before, I've never felt so strongly for a guy. I think he has some kind of "special-ness" that I just love. But at the same time, I always think about the "what ifs". What if he likes someone else, what if i can't stay in NZ, what if I can't be the one for him, what if I am too fussy about everything, what if this relationship doesn't work, what if he/I cheat on each other, what if he doesn't love me anymore, what if what if what if..........

I know I tend to think too much, but sometimes when I feel too happy about something I have the fear of losing it soon. I couldn't imagine myself without him right now, everything just seems so nice and beautiful. I don't know if I could survive from a broken heart...I hope it won't happen cause I just love him. I hope my relationship will last :')


I.