15 Days of Buggering

It's been 19 days of I'm coming back to my lovely hometown, Surabaya. I haven't done much since the first day I came here other than walking around malls and dine out. I didn't really go out for food like I did last year when I was back from Auckland. Most of the food I had here was bought by my dad then he brought it home.

The first week of I'm being here was spent for unpacking my big suitcase and celebrating my brothers' birthday. Other than that I only did shopping. Well, a little bit of gym activities. Firstly I thought of I'm coming back will be so much fun. In fact I just bugger around here. At least it was fun though, being together with family and talk about everything, especially about my foreign boyfriend I met there. But then it became a routine for my mom to keep asking me about him, practically everyday. If I didn't tell her much, she will be a bit annoyed, even my first brother will poke me if I didn't tell the story. It is just too often for mommy asking me that. It even makes me wanna record my conversation and simply just translate it to her. Kinda funny, but, hell yeah.

I got bored mostly cause I don't have many activities to do at home instead of taking care of my dogs and surf the internet. The annoying thing about my first half a month here was my treatment thingo. I had to do what's so-called "phytogen", which for me is more like a facial thing for my face. Hell, I know that my face got ruined by a facial wash product I bought in Auckland, my skin just didn't like it. Moreover, I consumed too much butter, cheese and oily shit there. They just made it worse. Well, come back to my "phytogen" thingo, I have to see the nurse to take care of my face for 15 days of hell. It was so painful when she squeezed my face to take all the pimples. Dammit!

That treatment took practically my mid day time. I have to stay at home for bloody half a month to do that and this hasn't even finished, but, anyway. At leats it gets better now. Well, I guess this is what's so-called "sacrifice". As mommy always says, "to be pretty, you have to do whatever it takes, even sacrificing your time and money." I mean, that's true though. Anyway, I already did it, then why should I stop, right? Sacrificing my holiday time for something worth it, I'd better go for it, why not?!

Lucky I'm going to go to a place for a pilgrimage tonight. Somewhere outside the city. I might not have fun like I will have in my real holiday time, but lemme do something good too while I'm here. Possibly I will spend my weekend in my cousin's place outside the city as well. Hopefully I can spend more time for something fun before I go back to study in Aotearoa.

I.

Winter Breeze

It's been 2 weeks since the early July, which means the winter in New Zealand has arrived. I hate almost everything about winter though, except the homey-feeling.

The wind in winter is suck, too cold and dry. My skin gets dry very quickly, which makes it look terrible. I need to wear layers of clothes as well as prepare gloves and ear-puff. My bag is just full of those stuffs, oh dear. My body will start shaking once the wind passes over, OMG.

Oh well, I'm gonna put a bit of a story about my new home. I moved to Epsom about a week ago. So good of being in a boarding house again, no need to cook or worry about food (alleluia!) plus I got 3 other friends from Indonesia. Glad to have friends, so I don't worry if I get stressed out. I can just pop up to their rooms and have a chat.

I love almost all the parts of this house, I can say it's almost a perfect place to live, especially there are 2 dogs, which are very cute. However, the lounge and my room are very cold in the evening, so I need to use an electric blanket or even a heater to make myself warm. I hate when I wake up in the morning and sit on my bed (after going out of the blanket), my face will be very cold and my body will start shaking. That's bad.

Winter also makes me look fat. Putting layers of clothes makes me look fat. Moreover, my appetite increases very rapidly. I can eat like 5 times a day. Snack-ing is even worse. I can't stop myself of eating snacks even I know it's not healthy at all, but they are irresistible. Well yeah, that's how winter is. Eating or drinking warm food or beverages are essential too. Winter makes me crave for hot chocolate even worse. Well, you know, hot chocolate will make me even fatter, nonono! I must stop but I can't (me bad). I just love chocolate, I very love it!

Well, almost all winter I have passed were bad, particularly because I'm not used to have 4 seasons in a year. I am a tropical-type girl anyway. Well, just enjoy winter and be grateful, since not everyone is able to experience how winter is. I just need to be ready for gaining some weight in these months..hahaha.

I.

We Are Never Right in Society

Nowadays, there are many quotes about what's wrong and what's right in life, especially quotes about what we do, which society think it's bad. Time after time, quotes after quotes I have read, I think they are true, that's what I feel when I am dealing with society.

What I think it's legal, other people may think that it's illegal. I spent plenty of time to figure this out, listening to them and start thinking. This makes me crazy though. When I think I should be good enough and I have tried to be what society wants, some other people think I am not original. Well, that's true. As long as I try to be like the society, I will not be able to be myself, to show who I really am. It's more likely an imitation, plagiarism. While many famous people encourage others by showing themselves. This makes me think twice, even three times, ah several times.

I am confused, crazy. I think I can't handle it anymore. When I finally arrived in New Zealand, I then see how Kiwi people live. I see that they don't take what society says into account, which is somehow good. This will not make you confused, instead you can live your life more easily; you can enjoy and appreciate more about your life. You do whatever you wanna do, wear whatever you wanna wear, anything. That's the answer, haha. One of my friends reminded me about not forgetting to live my life and being free as well. "I am who I am", that's how I conclude my life should be.

But still, it's not the end of the story, not just yet. This shows me no challenge in life. Now things get more complicated, even worse. OMG!! A human-being will never be satisfied of just one answer. Well, I am thinking, again and again. So, what should I do now? I don't wanna follow the society, not that much of imitation, I wanna be myself. However, there is no actual free will, free will is an illusion (B.F. Skinner). What we do is still regulated by society anyway. This has been enhanced by what my lecturer once said, how much free will do you have in your life? I think there is not much, even none, cause what you do and what you wear are still regulated, not only by society but also weather and other aspects, don't they? Once again it's true.

Here is where the pros and contras work. Life is nothing without pros and contras. There will always be negative and positive, pros and contras, agree and disagree. Life must be balanced, where there is positive, there will always be negative. If life is about positive, there will be no challenge, life will be monotone and boring. If there is only negative, there will be no peace, no care, nothing except war and fear. That's why we live side by side, cause nothing is perfect, we need other to be perfect, we need critiques to be better. Life must be challenging and colourful though.

Huaahhh..too much to say..I'm overwhelmed by ideas yet don't know how to say more..

Well, I don't wanna confuse myself even deeper. I will try to be as original as I can, and live freely. I will not care too much about how much free will I have as long as I can still feel what freedom is; as long as I can be creative as myself. Don't bother what society says as long as what I do is not against the norm, the regulation. By the way, people are free to have ideas and opinions; they are free to critique others, as we are.

From my perspective, no matter what happens, just be yourself. Live freely and easily yet under control. My conclusion is, while we are never right in society, nobody out there is ever be either smart enough or perfect enough to evaluate or to judge the world.

I.

Sharing One of My Favourite Song

In relation to my former post, suddenly I missed listening to a particular song by Michael Bublè: Always On My Mind. I remember the first time I heard that song, around 2 years ago. What I like about this song is the melody, at first. However, as I knew the lyric, I started adoring this song because it has deep meaning and it's a really touching song. 

I can learn that bad communication and misunderstanding others can turn into a fatal outcome. When it comes to an end, regret is the answer. Nothing we can do except regretting. It becomes useless and meaningless. Sadness will overcome our mind. Our souls will be painful. That will make use become lack of focus, lack of confidence; everyday is a bad day. We won't have spirit in life, and what we'll do is trying to survive from that 'dark time'. Regret is the worst feeling in life.

To give an idea about what I'm talking about, I will put up the lyric below. Read and sense it, people's perception about this song may vary. Here is the lyric:

Always On My Mind - Michael Bublè

Maybe I didn't treat you

Quite as good as I should have

Maybe I didn't love you

Quite as often as I could have

Little things I should have said & done

I just never took the time

But you were always on my mind

You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you

All those lonely, lonely times

And I guess I never told you

I'm so happy that you're mine

If I made you feel second best

Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

You were always on my mind

You were always on my mind

Tell me, tell me that your

Sweet love hasn't died

Give me, give me one more chance

To keep you satisfied

Satisfied

Little things I should have said & done

I just never took the time

You were always on my mind

You were always on my mind

You were always on my mind

You were always on my mind

(copyright: www.lyricstime.com)

What I want to say is:

- Dear boys, if you really love your girls, never make them feel being your second love. Instead, make them become your priority and value your love. Remember that she is a human-being, she has such a sensitive feeling. Never hurt them, but take care of them.

- Dear girls, if you love your boys, never judge them instantly. Understanding is better than being mad in a sudden without any reason. Speak up your mind if you feel uncomfortable with your relationships. Perhaps your boys don't know what to do to make you happy or maybe they don't know how valuable you are yet. Make them realise that you both really love each other.

Overall, life is choice. Be really careful in making an option. Don't wait until you regret something. Creating good 2-ways communication is best for a relationship. Second chance is an illusion. It will be very hard to get a second chance once you broke the first chance. It may be given to you somehow, but the faith will never be 100% pure as the first. Never hurt each other, love is just too precious to be ruined. Be faithful, be a caring person!

I.

You're Still on My Mind

It's been a long time since I last met you, I didn't even think about you anymore, because I have decided not to think of you (just in a sense of friendship anyway).  I spent pretty much of my time for studying, doing assignments and finding fun stuff. I'm pretty happy with that. My life seems okay and nice. My life has been back to its normal pace.

I guessed that I already forgot about my feeling. In fact, it's not that simple. I don't know why, he appeared in my dream last night. Appeared in the last stage of REM sleep (the stage where dreams are best remembered, Weiten has said, lol). It was like I finally saw him after a long period of time and we became really close to each other. We were doing silly things and that was so much fun happened. Too fun to just wake up afterwards.

Then I sat and mused for a while, what was that about. Later I realised, probably Freud's theory about dreams as wish fulfillment is true. I don't really understand what I really want. It's probably just my unconscious wish (i.e. my Id) that's not yet accomplished. I admit myself that I still have that kind of 'feeling' on him, but I decided not to bear it in mind since I believe that it is distracting and will only drive me crazy. Craving for something that's almost impossible to reach (I believe in what my mom said, though).

Well, at least now I know that you're still on my mind. In my deepest memory, unconscious. Whatever it takes, luckily it didn't bother my life. I'm still okay. Fortunately, it didn't make me miss him..haha. How lucky!

I.

Listen to What Mom Says~

Like mother like daughter, that's how I describe my relationship with my mom.

I am the youngest daughter in my family and I feel like I am the closest one to my mom, especially after I decided to study in Auckland.

Some people said that a daughter should be really close to her father, but it doesn't happen to me.

I started to become very close to my mom (in the matter of discussion and sharing) since I was in junior high school age.

I shared my first story about the one I was interested in (a boy). I talked a lot to my mom, asking her advices and trusting what she said. However, it didn't come easy to directly believing my mom's words. Sometimes I just kinda listening her without trying to understand it, and worse ignoring it.

After the matter of time, as I grew up till about in senior high school age, I feel improved in terms of knowledge about life and absolutely formal education (school formal lessons). By then, I talked to my mom more intensely. I didn't only share my love-story, but also about my life in surrounding. Then my mom told me that she was really enjoying our time together and she liked my personality of becoming a good listener and hopefully a good actor of what she has said.

Until it came to the time I decided to leave her to get my higher education. That time I was tested by several kinds of problems regarding my preparation of taking off to NZ. From the difficulties of gaining good marks for the school-requirements, my visa issue and else. It was a really hard time for me. But, what I do, was praying and listening to what my mom said: "if God wants you to go, you will go no matter what difficulties may arise". That quote has been my role model of life until now. Indeed, I arrived safely in Auckland and doing my degree now.

Well, that's not the end of the story, not just yet. I was having a crush with a guy here, recently. I talked to my mom, firstly, just about our friendship, but she kinda knew what's gonna happen next. I didn't even tell her about my feeling yet, but she told me about knowing 'the signal'. She told me to be careful of having a special feeling for this guy, since he's not yet considering having a girlfriend.

I tried to trust my mom, even my heart felt differently. Then I just wanted to prove what my mom has said. Well, it has been proven. How great is God. He gave me such a special-talented mom. 

In turn, sometimes I can understand what my mom's feeling from the way she texted me. Yeah, I can read her words if she wanted to seriously speak about something. I feel really grateful for having such a talent in interpreting someone else's feeling, especially my mom.

What I like about my mom is, she is really a caring person, faithful and trustworthy. She often gives me freedom in deciding what I'm gonna do with my life yet she's still giving advice about the probabilities of how the outcomes will be if I chose a particular choice in life; also asking my responsibility of taking those risks. So, freedom for my mom is not just giving chances for doing whatever I like, but being free in a responsible way. Her knowledge about life is just amazing. Her love is unquestionable. She's my role model, whatever she is, I just love her too much.

I know that nobody's perfect, but at least my mom is better than me in some ways.

Whatever her advice is, I will trust it if I believe that it's true. Even it's not always empirically true, but it is somehow reasonably right. She is my best pal, my lecturer, my super wise woman, my hero, and overall My MOM!! <3

Thanks mom, I love you :)

Super love,

Your daughter.

I.

Coincidence

I went out with my friends earlier today. I met several new friends and was having fun with them at the coffee shop during the evening. It was just fun, we talked so much about life and craps. To make the meeting more enjoyable, there was one of my friends tried to create a topic most girls will like to talk about. Anyway, there were 5 of us. The topic was about experiences of meeting guys.

It started clockwise from one to another. Then my turn was the last one. It was about a guy I just knew for a month. This was my friend's joke at first, she made me tell the others about my coincidence story.

Well, I met him accidentally when I was on my way back to Auckland. There were a lot of coincidences happened during my meeting with this guy.

Well, I met him accidentally at the airport. Both of us were going to Auckland, we both studied at the same uni. I was born in the same month with him and his birthday date is my favourite number. He has the same religion with me, so we go to church together sometimes. The last one was I lived across his apartment. I don't really understand what are these about actually. I never really think about it, but I'm a bit sure that this happened for reasons. I don't know what's that yet, but I don't want to make any speculation about it. I just don't want to feel anything wrong. Anyway we are good friends to each other and he is really kind to me.

While I was telling them my stories, they were starting to say that these coincidences were not really coincidences, should be something behind there. One of my friends even said that me and that guy might have met in the past life and we might be a couple (reincarnation kind of story). Well, I don't really think that way, but I do believe in coincidence in some ways, probably it's because I watched too many dramas. Then we all start laughing when my friend said this to me "go and marry him then, you two are soulmate! It's not coincidences, it's something!" Anyway I just don't wanna fall too deep for now, since I haven't got any signal or sign. I don't want to make a wrong movement.

My friend was so excited about my story. She even thought the way guys walk and sit while they are with girls. If a guy wants the girl to walk side by side with him, and even he sits on the right side of the girl, he will probably want the girl to be his. I kinda believe it, but still, I just don't want to make any speculation. I've had enough 'misunderstood' stories and that ended up with me being sad. For now, I will just let everything goes with the flow. Enjoying life is important, not being too serious with the life when it's still unstable and unpredictable. However, I still believe that everything is possible, since I never know how the life will treat me. Probably not now, but none knows how the future will be :)

I.

An Unhappy Day

I was planning to visit one of my friend's house to have a sleepover for a night. I know that this will be exciting. I went there, in the Mount Albert suburb area last night. Having fun with 2 of my friends, settled down and then started to mess the house, haha.

Both of my friends are Korea lovers, while I am not. They showed me a lot of SNSD's performances video last night. Well, it was interesting, now I know a bit more about K-Pop, which was my friends plan -  to 'brain-washed' me, lol.

We kept watching those stuffs in youtube until nearly 3 AM in the morning, I was so sleepy that time. Then we decided to sleep. Well, the three of us were so hungry that time, since we were having dinner at 7 PM the night before. Then, our tummies started to make weird noises. Then we laughed at each other. That was before we went to sleep.

It's Monday morning. We got up nearly 10 AM this morning. We had Indonesian Sweet Martabak for breakfast. It's so nice though, since we were all Indonesian. Then we took shower one by one and we were heading to St. Lukes mall to have lunch. We were having Japanese bento and KFC chicken bites. We went to the city center afterwards.

I went around with my friends to accompany them enrolling for Korean language course. They asked me to join with them, but I am not really interested in it, so I didn't take it. We went to the place twice, oh my gosh, that was so tiring cause the road isn't flat. Then we continued going to a pool place. I only sat there cause I was so tired.

By the time we finished, we went to the library and continued back to the uni. I checked my stuff and unfortunately I found that my handbag was broken, on its one side of the sling is ripped.

By the time I got home, I immediately plugged my phone to charge it, since it is running out of battery. Well, a worse incident happened. The connector was exploded and the power couldn't work. I told the manager already, but he seemed don't understand and too relax, while I am worried about that. The last thing happened was the changing of the research material. Well, I didn't blame anyone. I already did the test the night before, while I am receiving the email in the morning, today. Luckily my test is counted, so I don't need to repeat the test. I think I need to move as soon as possible to find another modern and safer place.

I just felt unfortunate today, well I have to be grateful everyday. Everything occurs for a reason. I hope to get a better life afterwards.

I.

The Weather Affects My Mood

The first time I arrived in New Zealand, it was winter. I couldn't imagine how cold it would be back then, since I came from a tropical country.
I wear two layers of clothes and a parka. I still remember when I was waiting for the flight transfer in Sydney, it was so damn cold. Unfortunately, Auckland was so damn colder. Even I saw the sun was shining so bright, but the wind couldn't lie.
However, that's normal though, cause it was my first time to taste winter overseas.

After a week passed, I feel something happened with my mood.
Well, the winter in Auckland is almost full of rainy days. I really hate the rain here, cause it's so windy that it could break my umbrella.
It's not as hard as Indonesian rain anyway, but the wind is crazy.

My umbrella once has been capsized by the wind, but luckily it's still alright until now. That's actually my mom's lovely umbrella, so sad if it's broken. But anyway, she has given it to me, I just need to be more careful. Today, my umbrella was almost being capsized again but luckily it didn't..fiiuuh.

Well, let's go back to my mood. I don't know why, I don't really like when the day is so gloomy. It seems dark and it makes me lazy. Well, not necessarily lazy of doing assignment or so, just so lazy of going out, even hanging out with friends. It discouraged me to do something, cause it makes my feeling sad. I know that some people feel that a gloomy day is a good day for sleeping, well for me it's annoying. I don't really care about sleeping all day long, it just affects my mood. I always think that a gloomy day is not a good day for lectures or so. While when it is a sunny day with the spring breeze, that's a good day for me. While many people use those days to go to the beach, I prefer studying or maybe hang out somewhere..haha. Since it affects my mood to be happy and active. However, I don't like a hot sunny day. So, perhaps autumn or spring is the best time for me. While summer and winter are not really. But anyway I still need to do my study and else, so I still need to get out of home and do some activities.

I just wanna share that I'm kinda unique, cause my mood goes with the weather. As one of my friend say, I am a weird person that my mood is affected by the weather. Sad when it's gloomy and happy when it's sunny. I find it annoying sometimes, cause it's kinda hard for me to laugh when it's gloomy (especially when I'm outside home). Well, that's me though, I like being unique anyway..haha. But perhaps it's good for me to train myself stay happy everyday, cause happy makes us stay young..lol.

I.

The feeling of knowing nothing

Have you ever felt unstable without knowing the reason why you feel that way?

I did feel like that several times, and exactly I feel it now.
I find it really annoying to feel worry or sad about something but I don't know what that is.
When I come into that feeling, all that appears on my mind is just tired, I just wanna piss this off, I need a rest, I need a holiday.

I am a person who is so easy to get 'panic attack'. When I got something that doesn't match with my expectation, I will be very devastated. I know it's not good, but it's so hard to change my habit anyway.

I tried several ways to get rid of this feeling. Sometimes I draw something, I listen to music or write something down on social media like what I do now. But still, I can't cope with it, it's stressful though.

Sometimes I discovered why I feel unstable by remembering all the stuffs I have gone through the day. Later I find the reason why: worry too much. Another bad thing about me is I worry about the past and the future once I got, let's say 'a bad day'. I will think about it until several days without doing anything, 'till I got a 'good idea attack'. Then I will start doing something, which is kinda time consuming.

Well, I just wanna have an ability to cope with every situation in my life, but it's not that simple.
Perhaps, praying and doing 'yoga-like' relaxation is the best way to be happier and to get brighter thinking. My mom always suggests me to do that everytime I'm stressed out, but the best thing I can do is sleeping, my lovely hobby ;p


I.

Life is a Journey, Death is the Final Destination

Do you ever think what the term 'life' means?

Perhaps people think life is when we can breathe and when we do some activities. Life is what we do and what we are.

For me, life is a journey. I was born to follow a cycle, from a baby to a mature person like now.

I wonder why I was taught to walk, cause by walking I will be ready to start my journey. Journey is not always about going somewhere and do traveling, journey starts here wherever you are. Even for the first day of school, that is your educational journey.

Life is about finding who you really are and why are you here.

My journey starts with opening my eyes for the first time. It then continues by hearing voices, taste food, touch my mom's hand and smell the air.

By the time I grew up, I continued my journey through school, several holiday trips, religious places and problems. Well, I think problems teach me the most. By the time I got a problem and I succeeded to solve it, I have developed. I find it is true. That's the way to be mature like now.

I really enjoy my journey, my life cycle. I know so many people with different backgrounds and cultures. I learn how to treat them too. I also learn how to settle down in a strange place where I am now. Where I know nobody, nowhere.

Many people say that I am adventurous. Well, I am not quite adventurous. I am actually a bit scared of coming to an 'in the middle of nowhere' place. One thing that I point out is maybe because I am an open-minded person with huge curiosity. Therefore, I do so many things, as many as I can. I want to travel as many places as I can go. I have so many hobbies, well, not quite a hobby, just something I am interested in. For now, I don't really have specific hobbies. I can sing, I can write, I can read, I am quite good at photography, etc. But I am not an expert at anything. Well, I am still in the middle of my journey, so that's okay if I try everything :)

Another thing why I call my life is a journey is that I know where and when to start, but I don't know where to stop. Journey itself never ends just like the world is round that has no edge. But, because I take this journey to represent my life, it will stop when it reaches 'the edge', specifically, something called "death". That is where my journey stopped. That is my final destination.

But, do you consider the life after death? I do believe it in some ways. Now, it gets confusing whether the journey will stop or not. Well, while I am still alive, I will do everything I like, everything I want, everything I must, whatever. Just give a try for everything to have fun of it :)

Good night, this is just a rough post of mine as the first try of blogging :p

Greeting from my kingdom, in the middle of nowhere.