Live Your Life to the Fullest

People always say to live your life to the fullest and always give your 100% in everything. I tend to ignore this and say that's just unbelievable. How can you give 100% in everything you do while you have too much to do in life? Until today I still thought that it means just do whatever, if it's worth it then just do your best, but to what extent?

I guess today was my turning point in life (or whatever closer to that). I thought I did a good job for my study so far even though I got lazy most of the time then panicking for the next week or so. I also think I'm quite good in keeping up with technology and all even though I'm not the expert. So, what's my 100% then? 

Yeah, it's still about relationship, love life whatsoever. This special guy came along to my life (maybe for the last couple of weeks or so). He is the most interesting person I've ever met and hung out with in the area that I am in at the moment. He loves bugging me and making fun of most things I do. He treated me like a little sister and I really enjoyed that cause I feel safe to be around him. Then we did some projects together and that's how I found out that we have the same religion and similar interests in many things. 

We then started doing stuff together (mostly eating and drinking..if you know what I mean) and there comes the Indonesian Festival that I went to (I did the video coverage for the organisation). I invited many of my friends but only he made the effort to actually attended. I booked the VIP session for him as an appreciation. I really felt that he really is a nice guy and I felt appreciated.

Then came other events that I invited him to attend. At that time, I got too much problems in life (according to my own perspective and feeling). And he just came along and accompanied me most of the time even the worst time in my life. Interestingly, he can read my mind and my feeling even though we just hung out for like 2 weeks or so. I guess he is so experienced in dealing with girls. Then yeah, everything was flowery and nice. And as expected, feelings were developed too. 

The relations with giving 100%?
Since I hung out with this guy, I felt more and more wanting to spend time with him (as people say the honeymoon stage). But not only that, he is full of surprises. Started with chilli chocolate on the desk, makeup and glasses wipe, kinder surprise, nice beers, putting on my jacket, giving his jacket to me when it was so cold, walked me home (like literally walked me home)....and all sorts of things that I've never experienced in life.

Interestingly enough, for whatever he gave me, I felt like I wanna do him a favour or just surprised him too with other stuff (I didn't feel like I owe him or something, but just naturally wanting to do something similar that will surprise him too). That time I felt like I'm giving 100% of me to him. We bought each other food, shared some beers, when he took me somewhere nice then I took him somewhere else, all sorts of interesting things that we could imagine (or more like we could do at this time).

His friends said I'm a nice person, one even said that I have my own technique of seduction or so, but I didn't feel like I have one. It's simply because I want to be nice to him, maybe to some extent impress him and because he made me feel appreciated, I wanna do something that will make him happy and at the same time will make me different to other girls that he has dated. It's a girly thing to do I guess.

Yes I like him so much. Too much to imagine for a short period of time. One time I asked him to go fishing (I don't know anything about fishing techniques and stuff). I did it cause I want to learn. Besides, I want to simply spend time with him doing something that he likes and He really appreciated that. Yeah, we walked to the beach, ate some wicked wings and drank some beers. It was so much fun!!! I never imagined fishing to be that fun to be honest. I really enjoyed every second that I spent with him anywhere. He is one awesome guy.

I never expected hanging out with someone to be this fun. I knew that he has to go back to his hometown one day as he has mentioned it earlier. The first plan was in June, but then something happened that he has to leave tomorrow. I am sad, broken. Since I knew what his problems are, I was the one encouraging him to go home as early as possible, yet I am the one hurting as well. I knew all the consequences, so I take them. I know this ain't goodbye for good, but we never know what's gonna happen. It is hard to face life, a perfect one almost, when the fun is peaked and then you are forced to drop it right there and then or like you fell off the steepest cliff. This is the hardest goodbye, if ever.

Just before the weekend, he gave me this bunch of chicken drumsticks for me to take home. As my other colleagues insisted to have a shared lunch thingy today, I had an idea to cook something. So I decided to cook the chicken. He said to me, if I could impress him with my cooking, it will be awesome as I always mention to him that I can't cook. And yeap, surprise surprise, he liked my cooking!! I'm so happy. I felt like, 'hell yeah, mission accomplished!' (pardon my swearing). I felt like I did my best to make him happy/to impress him whatever you call it.

I think this is the real giving 100% thing in life. I cooked the chicken till 12:09am in the morning. I don't know what the hell happens to me (quoting him), but I enjoyed it. And I think I've done my absolute best. I am satisfied of what I have done. And his expressions when he was very impressed by me was soon priceless! He is so cute in some ways, very manly on the others.

I didn't want to leave earlier on, knowing that it is the last day he is here. I know he is leaving really early in the morning tomorrow. I am having a dilemma whether I should come early and be even more sad seeing him go or stay in bed until the time to go to work and just live normally even though it is hurting inside. I don't know what to do cause he will be going for so long that I don't know if I will ever see him again (I know that he is coming back next year, but will I still be here?). I don't want to regret anything though, but at the same time I don't wanna show up all sad and make it hard for him to leave on the D day. It is tough.

He once said to me, 'I am sure that you believe in faith. If we are meant to be then we are meant to be. If that time comes, I will seriously date you'. He also said that he hasn't felt this kinda feeling for such a long time (I am flattered). I also once said to him, if we are meant to be then I will devote myself to him cause I know he is worth it.

He told me as much as he might not miss it here, he will miss me tremendously. It's been the most amazing 3-4 weeks life in NZ.

I don't know what's gonna happen next, but as he said, we believe in faith. No matter what happens next, I believe God has a plan and everything happens for a reason. I will be happy for whatever happens in the future. Anyway, this is one beautiful thing that has happened, the reason? let it remain a mystery.



I.

What Will You Do When You Have Too Much in Mind?

I have held myself several times not to blog about this, but hell, I cannot do this any longer. To whoever out there, please bear with me.

Yes, I've got too much stuff in mind. And yes, I am single now. Yes, it is weird being single again. No, I don't want to have any relationship yet at the moment. That's why I want to write my blog, type whatever.

So, I got separated with my ex-bf just recently. It was my choice. I chose to leave him. Yes, it's been wandering in my mind for a very long time and I finally made a decision. It was hard, it was really really hard. I personally don't want to hurt anyone as I believe in karma. But, I don't want to torture myself any longer either as I know if I hold on to this, it will hurt both of us. And if we are separated in the future, it will be even harder, a lot harder. So I did it with the courage from the people around me and after a long session of contemplating.

Yes, I've got a lot in mind. I still have my internship programme to be finished and the uni report follows. Yes, I am so worried as my ex was the one always be by my side through my hardships and happiness. It's not that I don't want to leave him cause I need him for helping me do my assignment, that's just evil and very selfish. I am afraid to go on by myself again after being with him for 1,5 years. I know there are others who experience harder things in life. And I know that this is just the beginning of it. 

No, it's not because someone else. As I said before, I am still afraid of another relationship. I am being very cautious. He asked me about this, but the answer is no. It is purely my decision and my choice to be set free. Yes, I want my freedom.

I am a chicken. I am afraid to move forward as I don't want to get hurt but at the same time I still want to experience the world. As I told my ex, the world is too big to be missed. Was I right though? Did I say that because I was highly emotional? Did I really mean it? The answer is I don't know. I will let it be a mystery to be solved in time. 

The only thing that I know at the moment is I have to be prepared for the worst. Yes I am currently happy with my choice, but I cannot predict the future. Hey, it is my choice, let's face it. Whatever comes as the consequences, I have to be prepared, I have to face it, so what?

I don't want to be a chicken, I don't want to be a weak me. I have to be stronger, I have to learn from this very very carefully.

My worries? Hello, everyone has worries, face them, work harder as I will.

Geez, what did I just say? I don't know.

The thing that I know is, this is my choice, my journey. Sweet and bitter memories have shaped who I am as a person. I wanna fly like a bird. I am free.

I.