Hi all,
it's been a long time since I last wrote my story. I miss blogging. Anyway, how's everyone doing? I'm pretty good at the moment. The story that I am about to write is about jealousy. This will all be based on my own story, my own experience. Well, let's get started.
There are two kinds of jealousy according to my own experience. The first jealousy is about being jealous with what other people get, have, or can do. The second jealousy for me is getting annoyed cause someone is flirting with the one I love (you know that kind of jealousy right?!).
Ok, so, when I was in secondary school (intermediate/junior high school), my friends were highly competitive. We were competing on getting better grades. That time, I was so bad in presentation and debate. So yap, I got pretty crappy grades on those subjects. The other thing that I was very bad at (still am) is sports. I couldn't run fast, I always lost in sports competition, I always got crappy marks on those things. Also, as a girl, I am jealous with pretty and popular girls at school. I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad and I even thought why was I born like this? I kinda couldn't accept the reality about who I am. I blamed myself for not being able to play sports. I blamed myself to be shy and bad at presentation and all that. I couldn't be grateful for what I've got. I just couldn't. I reckon my mum doesn't even know about this. I don't want to make her feel bad.
The other thing that I got annoyed about is wealth and glamour lifestyle. I always love branded stuff. I just couldn't afford having too many branded stuff with incredibly high price. It's just not I. I always got jealous with wealthy people. For me, they are spoiled brat who don't even think about price tags when they buy stuff. Again, I blamed my life for this.
Then, it all got changed when I was in high school. I learnt lots bout less fortunate people. I learnt lots bout how some of my friends fought and studied really hard to get scholarship to get into our school. I felt so lucky that I didn't need to fight too much to get a scholarship (even I just got the lowest level of scholarship, but I am still very lucky). I am very lucky that I can study overseas without having to spend an extra 1 year to go to foundation for uni prep. And it all goes back to my conversation with my acupuncturist last time. He just said a simple sentence to me "never look up to other people who are crazier than you, look down to less fortunate people instead". That sentence really got me. It changed me in a really nice way. I admit that I still get jealous sometimes, but I tried to be more grateful than before so that my grace to God outweighs my jealousy. And yes, I feel great!
It's not an easy thing to do to be honest. It needs time, motivation, reminder and support. My mum always tells me, be grateful of what you've got in life Irna, many people out there can't even eat. Last time I went shopping and I bought a shirt for my aunty. The shirt got some nappy sands stain on it. It got me a bit annoyed cause it's the only shirt left. I complained, they said they can't lower the price. I fully understand that. I still got that shirt and I tried to get rid of the stain. What really got me last time though, the store manager told me something like, "oh, sorry, it's already discounted, and it's only $20 anyway". Oh well lady, be careful in saying that. $20 is a lot for most people out there. Their pay per day is not even that much. So please, value whatever it is, value your money, you never know how valuable that amount of money for other people. As my mum always says, "keep and value your money even if it's just 1 cent, you'll never know how much you have by keep saving that 1 cent everyday. $999.99 will never be $1000 without a cent."
So ya, I went a bit off topic but anyway, that was my version of the first type of jealousy. Let's get going with the second type of jealousy. So yap, according to what I define as the second type of jealousy, it is something to do with love story. And yeap, I have a partner (still a bf by the way). I got really jealous when he kept telling me that my friend is so pretty, bubbly and nice when we were first going out. Well, obviously, I was still on fire with the lovey dovey stage of our relationship. So, I got really jealous and angry at him, but it all went alright. We are adults at the end of the day. We just need to be reminded most of the time. But what really got me was what he told me last night. I know the story happened years back, but really it got me to the nerve and back (I still appreciate what he did though. He told me this, it must be pretty hard for him to tell me as he doesn't want to hurt me, 'I believe..haha').
Years back, I know that well he had a crush. She is cute and what not and ya, they were in love. They weren't in a relationship per se, but they were pretty close. They spent time together and had good time and what not..normal thing to happen anyway. Last night he told me that once they went to a club together. They were dancing and all (this is not really my lifestyle by the way, I don't like going to a bar as I found it too loud. I have sensitive ears and pardon my Asian culture). Then he said that this girl is extremely flirty (not surprising for me as she was still trying to seduce my bf at the cafe when we visited Melbourne. We were 6 people in that cafe, catching up with my bf's old friends. She was moving her legs towards my bf even I was there. It was so obvious and annoying. Lucky I am kinda an ignorant person that time, so I didn't really care. When my bf tried to include me in the conversation, she would relate it back to her so that she could dominate the whole conversation. This didn't bother me so much though cause I trust my bf. He is a good guy). Ok, go back to the main story. So ya, he told me that they were dancing in that club. According to his description, he was standing behind her, holding her hip and dancing. And she was holding my bf's head. Well, ok, they were in love, who cares. But not only that, she actually put her booties on my bf legs and started moving it around to, oh well, seduce him. He felt it (as you all know) and he tried to move back to avoid anything negative to happen. But well, she knew it and she continued doing that (my bf said that she was tipsy). Well, ok, fair enough. But well, I found it a bit gross. He chose a bad time to tell me that, oh gosh. It was last night when I was about to enter my house. It was not a good story to finish our night really.
As ignorant as I am, that story got me to the nerve man. I know that I am a pretty visual person, I felt like I kinda can imagine that. And that thing is still lingering in my mind till now (that's why I decided to write it here, to help get rid of it from my mind a bit at least). It got me thinking that she is actually a really flirty one. No wonder why she still tried to seduce my bf even when I was there. I know that she doesn't like me at all. All the pretty words she said to me, actually, I found it as lots of rubbish. I know it might not be fair on both of them that I feel this way. It happened long time ago anyway. But it doesn't mean that she will not try to do similar things. For the second time of my life, I am jealous, very very jealous. I found the story very very annoying. I am worried that I would lose him anytime in the future. As much as I trust him, I can't rely on trust though. People can change their mind in seconds. Whenever I see the message from my bf, I am always reminded of that story. HOW ANNOYING!
He said sorry and all, but it's already said. I still can't get over it. I really want to but I still can't at the moment. I am leaving to Indonesia soon by the way. It got me really worried about him. I know he said don't worry, he is all mine, but still.
But at least, this feeling has made me realise that I am still a human, a normal one. It is normal that I get jealous cause I love him. It would be weird if I am a total ignorant (nothing wrong bout being that kind of person though, some people are like that and they are fine). So ya, I know I am complaining, moaning and all that. But it really got my day. I felt angry and worried for that reason. A bit silly though. But it means that I have to be extra careful in dealing with her in the future (my bf and I have got a plan to move to Melbourne by the way, isn't it normal for me to be more worried?)
My conclusion is, it is normal to be jealous, but don't let that felling control you. Take it as a motivation for you to grow and improve. Stay positive everyone! (as I am trying to be).
I.
