Jealousy

Hi all,

it's been a long time since I last wrote my story. I miss blogging. Anyway, how's everyone doing? I'm pretty good at the moment. The story that I am about to write is about jealousy. This will all be based on my own story, my own experience. Well, let's get started.

There are two kinds of jealousy according to my own experience. The first jealousy is about being jealous with what other people get, have, or can do. The second jealousy for me is getting annoyed cause someone is flirting with the one I love (you know that kind of jealousy right?!).

Ok, so, when I was in secondary school (intermediate/junior high school), my friends were highly competitive. We were competing on getting better grades. That time, I was so bad in presentation and debate. So yap, I got pretty crappy grades on those subjects. The other thing that I was very bad at (still am) is sports. I couldn't run fast, I always lost in sports competition, I always got crappy marks on those things. Also, as a girl, I am jealous with pretty and popular girls at school. I felt sorry for myself. I felt bad and I even thought why was I born like this? I kinda couldn't accept the reality about who I am. I blamed myself for not being able to play sports. I blamed myself to be shy and bad at presentation and all that. I couldn't be grateful for what I've got. I just couldn't. I reckon my mum doesn't even know about this. I don't want to make her feel bad.

The other thing that I got annoyed about is wealth and glamour lifestyle. I always love branded stuff. I just couldn't afford having too many branded stuff with incredibly high price. It's just not I. I always got jealous with wealthy people. For me, they are spoiled brat who don't even think about price tags when they buy stuff. Again, I blamed my life for this.

Then, it all got changed when I was in high school. I learnt lots bout less fortunate people. I learnt lots bout how some of my friends fought and studied really hard to get scholarship to get into our school. I felt so lucky that I didn't need to fight too much to get a scholarship (even I just got the lowest level of scholarship, but I am still very lucky). I am very lucky that I can study overseas without having to spend an extra 1 year to go to foundation for uni prep. And it all goes back to my conversation with my acupuncturist last time. He just said a simple sentence to me "never look up to other people who are crazier than you, look down to less fortunate people instead". That sentence really got me. It changed me in a really nice way. I admit that I still get jealous sometimes, but I tried to be more grateful than before so that my grace to God outweighs my jealousy. And yes, I feel great!

It's not an easy thing to do to be honest. It needs time, motivation, reminder and support. My mum always tells me, be grateful of what you've got in life Irna, many people out there can't even eat. Last time I went shopping and I bought a shirt for my aunty. The shirt got some nappy sands stain on it. It got me a bit annoyed cause it's the only shirt left. I complained, they said they can't lower the price. I fully understand that. I still got that shirt and I tried to get rid of the stain. What really got me last time though, the store manager told me something like, "oh, sorry, it's already discounted, and it's only $20 anyway". Oh well lady, be careful in saying that. $20 is a lot for most people out there. Their pay per day is not even that much. So please, value whatever it is, value your money, you never know how valuable that amount of money for other people. As my mum always says, "keep and value your money even if it's just 1 cent, you'll never know how much you have by keep saving that 1 cent everyday. $999.99 will never be $1000 without a cent."

So ya, I went a bit off topic but anyway, that was my version of the first type of jealousy. Let's get going with the second type of jealousy. So yap, according to what I define as the second type of jealousy, it is something to do with love story. And yeap, I have a partner (still a bf by the way). I got really jealous when he kept telling me that my friend is so pretty, bubbly and nice when we were first going out. Well, obviously, I was still on fire with the lovey dovey stage of our relationship. So, I got really jealous and angry at him, but it all went alright. We are adults at the end of the day. We just need to be reminded most of the time. But what really got me was what he told me last night. I know the story happened years back, but really it got me to the nerve and back (I still appreciate what he did though. He told me this, it must be pretty hard for him to tell me as he doesn't want to hurt me, 'I believe..haha').

Years back, I know that well he had a crush. She is cute and what not and ya, they were in love. They weren't in a relationship per se, but they were pretty close. They spent time together and had good time and what not..normal thing to happen anyway. Last night he told me that once they went to a club together. They were dancing and all (this is not really my lifestyle by the way, I don't like going to a bar as I found it too loud. I have sensitive ears and pardon my Asian culture). Then he said that this girl is extremely flirty (not surprising for me as she was still trying to seduce my bf at the cafe when we visited Melbourne. We were 6 people in that cafe, catching up with my bf's old friends. She was moving her legs towards my bf even I was there. It was so obvious and annoying. Lucky I am kinda an ignorant person that time, so I didn't really care. When my bf tried to include me in the conversation, she would relate it back to her so that she could dominate the whole conversation. This didn't bother me so much though cause I trust my bf. He is a good guy). Ok, go back to the main story. So ya, he told me that they were dancing in that club. According to his description, he was standing behind her, holding her hip and dancing. And she was holding my bf's head. Well, ok, they were in love, who cares. But not only that, she actually put her booties on my bf legs and started moving it around to, oh well, seduce him. He felt it (as you all know) and he tried to move back to avoid anything negative to happen. But well, she knew it and she continued doing that (my bf said that she was tipsy). Well, ok, fair enough. But well, I found it a bit gross. He chose a bad time to tell me that, oh gosh. It was last night when I was about to enter my house. It was not a good story to finish our night really.

As ignorant as I am, that story got me to the nerve man. I know that I am a pretty visual person, I felt like I kinda can imagine that. And that thing is still lingering in my mind till now (that's why I decided to write it here, to help get rid of it from my mind a bit at least). It got me thinking that she is actually a really flirty one. No wonder why she still tried to seduce my bf even when I was there. I know that she doesn't like me at all. All the pretty words she said to me, actually, I found it as lots of rubbish. I know it might not be fair on both of them that I feel this way. It happened long time ago anyway. But it doesn't mean that she will not try to do similar things. For the second time of my life, I am jealous, very very jealous. I found the story very very annoying. I am worried that I would lose him anytime in the future. As much as I trust him, I can't rely on trust though. People can change their mind in seconds. Whenever I see the message from my bf, I am always reminded of that story. HOW ANNOYING!

He said sorry and all, but it's already said. I still can't get over it. I really want to but I still can't at the moment. I am leaving to Indonesia soon by the way. It got me really worried about him. I know he said don't worry, he is all mine, but still.

But at least, this feeling has made me realise that I am still a human, a normal one. It is normal that I get jealous cause I love him. It would be weird if I am a total ignorant (nothing wrong bout being that kind of person though, some people are like that and they are fine). So ya, I know I am complaining, moaning and all that. But it really got my day. I felt angry and worried for that reason. A bit silly though. But it means that I have to be extra careful in dealing with her in the future (my bf and I have got a plan to move to Melbourne by the way, isn't it normal for me to be more worried?)

My conclusion is, it is normal to be jealous, but don't let that felling control you. Take it as a motivation for you to grow and improve. Stay positive everyone! (as I am trying to be).

I.

Being Critical

What does the phrase being critical mean to you?

Being critical for me means to ask an extraordinary question over a problem. Is that it? I wasn't sure till I grew up.

When I was 9 years old, the first time I asked my mum about her marital status with my dad. How did they get married and do they have the marriage legal letter? And straight away my mum said, hooray my daughter starts having critical questions, it means she is brilliant.

I absolutely had no idea what did my mum mean by me being critical. Since then on I assumed that to be a brilliant person, you have to ask critical questions that are out of the box. Then I always thought when I asked some difficult questions to my friends and they couldn't answer it, it means I'm brilliant and I'm being a critical person. So, whenever my school friends had a presentation, I always tried to be a mean person that asks killer questions and well I became satisfied.

But then after I attended university, I found that many of the questions that my lecturers asked during a presentation were rather simple (well, some lecturers asked some killer questions to me too). I then started questioning, are they really brilliant (I mean I'm sure that they are, especially the ones with PhD titles obviously), but why did they ask such simple questions?

I then kept thinking till I met some friends that kinda answer my question bit by bit indirectly. I found out from them (especially from my bf) that asking questions or giving criticisms should be done constructively. You can't just ask killer questions and then be satisfied of it while the people you asked will feel pitiful (it's like asking a fish to jump over a tree which is impossible, then the fish will think that they are stupid all their lives).

So, how can I be constructive? Yup, start asking some simple questions that are meaningful yet solvable. From there, people will be more confident in answering more questions. Then we can build up some more complex questions to be asked. If the people can't answer it, yes, we help to find the answer or lead them to get the answer by asking other questions that lead to the answer (only if we too know the answer..sort of like just testing the presenter).

For the people who are being asked, they need to prepare. They need to understand how to be diplomatic. Yup, if you can't answer the question, don't feel embarrassed. Instead, answer it diplomatically by saying "I'm not sure about that at the moment, but I will find out about it" or "I'm not able to answer it now, I'll check about it" or something like that instead of being silent and starring blankly. But anyway I'm pretty sure people have their own way to tackle stuff. 

At the end of the day, we all have to say that the people we asked or the presenter of the day have done a good job of standing up there presenting whatever they know. Whatever the questions or answers were, we will learn something from that.

I.

A New Toy on Social Media

Hi all, here I am again.
Last night I was flicking my phone on my Fb page, as usual. Then I found out that there is a current trend in Indonesia about social media thingy. I looked at my friend's page and found an interesting app called ask.fm. I'm not sure if it's not a new thing anymore for some people. I actually knew it already like couple weeks back, but I was bloody busy with my assignments and exams thingy. So, I didn't really bother check it out.
Well actually I did bother check it out again last night. I went though the link and signed up. So, I have an ask.fm account now.
What I found interesting was you can easily ask the people you are interested in and stay anonymous. It seems easy to ask anything you want, haha.
As I already have the account too now, you are free to ask me anything on there if you are interested in asking me stuff, hehe.
Feel free to do so :)

Here is my link: http://ask.fm/IrnaSannyta

I.

How Great is Thou Art

I want to make a confession. I am a Catholic and I'm pretty active at church. I am a member of the church choir and I never really skipped going to church when I'm studying abroad. I grew up in a Catholic family (but my dad isn't a Catholic), I learned this since I was a baby. Different to my other siblings who were baptised when they were baby, I got  a flexibility in choosing my own religion (as I have the influence from my dad, not really my mom. He was pretty strict in teaching me what he believes and I still didn't get it. In fact, I was so afraid and I wanted to run away from him sometimes). I wasn't baptised until I was about 10 years old. I went to church, but I never attended Sunday School as other children did.

My mom then asked me if I want to be baptised. At first, I did not want to be baptised as I was afraid of my dad (that time I was still about 8 years old). 2 years later then I asked my mom if I can be baptised. Because I was more than 9 years old, the church committee thought that I was eligible to enter classes for children who are going to be baptised. I learned a lot there even I was not big enough to understand. The thing that made me fall in love with Catholic is because I love the church and I could feel that I belong there (maybe I was a bit biased too as I love my mom more than my dad and she is a Catholic).

No doubt, my dad was disappointed but nothing he could do about it as he once mentioned that I have my own rights to choose what I like. He didn't really attack me on it actually. He didn't really asks about what I chose but I know he knew it anyway. Since then on, we never really talked about anything that relates to religion. So, he never really asked me if I'm wanting to escape the topic about his belief (he knew it anyway).

When I went to study abroad, this was the time my belief is challenged. I was so afraid in everything I do especially cause I have no one but myself to believe in. My source of power in everything is a prayer. Then I found this church nearby the home stay I used to live. The people there were so friendly and warm-welcoming. The church and the priest gave me a wonderful feeling that made me believe that I belonged there. I then happened to move to another place in the city centre and found the Cathedral there. I attended almost every mass there, even for the daily mass I sometimes went. I even joined the choir there and became a cantor. I still am a cantor actually. At the Cathedral, I found an amazing feeling whenever I come to church. I felt the peace that I never have felt before. That's why I really loved to be there.

When I got really bad marks and had trouble in my study (as English is to my first language), I prayed to God. When I had trouble in finding friends, communities, assignments, and a place to live, I prayed. When my visa was almost declined, I prayed. When I got troubles of my flights, I prayed. When I was going to do my exams, I prayed. I am a normal person by the way, I prayed when I'm stuck.

But I never forget to pray after everything is fine. I prayed when I'm happy too. I prayed to praise Him, to remind myself how great He is. I'm very grateful for whatever I have achieved in my life, from God.

Lord has given me the power of life. He has granted me lots of amazing things in life. Most importantly, He has answered lots of my prayers. Sometimes the answers are even straight after I finished my prayer. I feel so blessed, very very blessed :) Lord, how great is Thou Art!

I have a worry earlier today as well. I lodged my application for my Australian visa application last Friday. I was so worried cause many people said it will take at least 10 working days while my flight is on the 2nd of July. I didn't even have 10 days. I was so worried, I even called the Australian High Commission to check and he said the same thing. I was so bumped knowing that I won't get enough time and I will need to change my flights. Then again, my power was a prayer. I prayed very calmly but I was so worried at the same time.

I finished my prayer in 3:35pm. I was waiting for the email like a zombie. I couldn't think, I didn't know what to do and think after that. 10 minutes after that, my phone was vibrating once. I was hoping that it was from the Australian Embassy. And YES!!!!! I got it!!!!! I couldn't say a thing. I was so touched OMG! I almost cried! I was so speechless, OMG!! Thank God!!!!

I prayed to praise God, that miracle was amazing, how great a prayer can be. OMG OMG OMG!!! I posted something on my fb page too as I was so happy for this! I even talked to my mom straight away about this. I'm so happy. Now I can just relax at home and waiting for my flight.

I've been through a drama today. That was crazy. But once again I proved how great is our Lord.

My post on fb earlier today:

"Lord, I thank You for what has happened in my life especially for the miracle that just happened right after I said my prayer. It was the most amazing thing that has happened. A real miracle right after my words, my worries. 

Once again I have proven how powerful a prayer can be, how great the result of it, how amazing a prayer can do. Once again I have proven what has been written on the scripture: 

Mark 5: 36.."Do not be afraid; only believe".

I can't thank You enough Lord."

I.

First Time in KL

Wednesday, 22nd of January was the first time I travelled to Kuala Lumpur Malaysia. I arrived there in the midnight at LCCT Kuala Lumpur International Airport. The first impression I had that time was the terminal is like the bus station in my city, dirty and hot. Well, maybe that's because it's a low cost terminal, still understandable.

That time of travel was my first attempt to be a "tour guide" for my family group. There were six of us. I was afraid that I will fail considering I know nothing about KL and haven't visited it before, because everyone relies on me as a 'tourism student'. It was kind of hard though, but I had fun.

The first thing I did after we arrived was looking for the bus to go to the city center. Fuala! I got that and we hopped on it. It was packed, but luckily the ac worked well. There were so many people from different countries who were sitting on the same bus. There was a family that shocked me a bit after I heard their conversation for a while (didn't mean that I overheard in purpose; i didn't even understand their language and what they were talking about). They are a moslem family, but they speak Chinese (I don't have any purpose to offend anyone, but that was my first experience knowing those people). I looked at them several times (maybe they got annoyed or something, but I was just so curious if they were real Chinese..hehe), but anyway they were truly Chinese. Well, I said grace to God for making this variety of human being. Very multicultural :)

The second day was alright with us being all sweaty and tired after looking for the hotel, cause the LRT station was quite far. It was so confusing. By the way I got an annoying experience of meeting an old guy that suddenly came close to my face and said hi in a flirty style! Back off old man! OMG. I ran straight away from him. What a day! 

After we arrived at the hotel, we had lunch at a Chinese restaurant nearby and met this really kind lady. She is the owner of the resto. We were asking her a lot of questions about the transportation to get around. It turned up she offered us a ride at 3pm to Batu Cave. How great is God. Then we went around the shopping malls while waiting for the time. Then yap, we went around and took pics at Batu Cave. In the evening we were looking for another hotel to stay (cause the hotel we got before was free for 1 night, but the price we were going to pay if we want to extend was so expensive). We didn't get anything by the way. Then we decided to seek for it the next morning.

In the early morning we went to the hotel we wanted, but it turned up that no room is available to be looked at (well, we don't wanna pay for something we don't know). Then we just went out and called a taxi (we negotiated the price as well). Then we got this kind taxi driver and we decided to take his taxi for 2 days. Then we travelled around in Genting and stuff. At the end we were dropped in China Town. That place was a bit of my nightmare. I met this flirty retail guy who said that he likes me whatever! I met a boy, a really tiny boy who touched my leg (oh my gosh!). That time I felt like "this place is so creepy!" (I don't mean to offend anyone or being mean, it's just I had a bad experience there..I'm sorry). Then I went back to the hotel and prepared for the flight tomorrow. I was just so tired. OMG

The last day I was there, it was alright. All good, everyone's happy, I'm happy (to go back! Finally!) Despite of all the bad experiences I had though, the food there was just awesome! I'm half Chinese though, that's why I always assess the food (as an OZ man once told me that he could tell that I'm Chinese cause the first thing I recommended to him when he asked me about a place was the food! hahaha!)

I.